1st post, Hi guys!

Anyways, I am unable to persue a relationship. mainly because of sexuality issues. I was raised very religious(Christian) thus when I knew i was gay(puberty) I became very scared and hateful of myself. At the time I was taught, learned that being gay was a choice and a very bad thing. So I figured I would elect my choice and be straight. But honestly no one gets this choice, it still to this day sadens me how society is and treats Gay people. So i elected to live a lie and live a striaght life. Luckily I was an attractive guy so i had no problem getting a wife without even having to actively persue one. So I married and had 3 kids, the marriage worked for about 10 year. We had sex maybe 2x a year lol. My wife started to realize something was wrong after she heard from her friends that they had sex dailey, weekly, ect… It was not good of me to torture her this way but again i was trying to do what my choice was. So the marriage eventually lead to some severe invidelety on her part which i don't even blame her and thus a divorce. After this choice of lifestyle ended i became to realize that i was absolutely gay and there wasnt a dam thing i could do about it. I hated God, I hated my familly(mainly my parents) as i blamed all them for making me gay. I actually hated myself so much that beleave it or not i was extremely homophobic. I know 1st hand that bullying (esp in high school) is mainly done by the straight acting gay guys that cannot come out the closet, and all of this is caused by us(society) for not excepting gay people as being born this way without a choice. I mean if someone has the power or capability to commit suicide then that same person could change themselves if it was actually possible! And suicide is always a big option for gay people and i was there many times. The old saying "I'd rather be dead then gay" really still applies, even today. So with this self inflicted trama i've put myself through i am screwed up mentally sexualy. I was a spiritual good guy, thus i never cheated or acted on my homosexual desires. I have "zero" attraction to women , especially after doing what i did for 10 years. And my attraction for men has narrowed to a small certian few. So i'm just not attracted to many guys at all and the whole gay sex makes me very anxious in general and uncomfortable(because of my upbringing). So in short my religion has completely f@cked me up and its really sad and i feel so sad for younger gay people. In the last 5 years i have come to terms with myself. I have "come out" as much as i can. I still act very straight so i'm probably assumed striaght, and if i am i just go with it. But i've pushed everyone away out of fear that thats one less person i have to explain about me being gay. Gay guys still scare me as it seems all they want is sex. Me being very sexually inexperienced in gay sex fro my age I guess i dont even know how it feels to actually "be in love"..I would like that one day but honestly dont think its possible. I have extreme social anxiety, especially with meeting new people. I just dont want anyone judging me for being gay. I still dont "like" to be gay, i mean who would? The only guys that i find attractive are the hot young guys which by far they are big slutty loosers lol. so realisticly i have to come to terms being alone, however i would like to build my friend base again which is hard because of my shyness. I'm trying to build a base of gay friends. as odd as this sounds i am finding it difficult to find gay "guy" friends as it seems to me thats impossible unless your having sex with them. And i have this need for guy friendships, maybe i just focus more on striaght guy friends that are cool with gays? so in short that my screwed up life as relationships go…I was robbed of love due to society and religion. This has given me great anger, i would be lieing to deny that. My love of life is very little to zero. This is horrible but if i got terminal cancer and died in 6 months i wouldnt be in the least upset. I would only be upset for my kids, they truely are the only reason i'm alive. If something great happened due to a mistake, it was my kids!