Hi, my name is Jeanluc and i am 22 years old. For as long as i remember i have been holding a raging “molten lava” anger inside me towards people who have done me wrong and people who do wrong to others.
This build up started to rapidly incline when i was around 16 years old, me and my family had to move to my grandma’s place while my parents plan our house project. We stayed there for 8 years, while staying there we had to deal with our alcoholic step-brother who always begged for money from my grandparents, lying and annoying them to a point where they had no choice but to slowly give away their pension money.
With time, their blood pressure started to raise and my grandpa had started dialysis which caused him to feel weak after each treatment nevertheless my step-brother would pry on him like a vulture knowing he was weak and did not have the energy to rebel against him.
Every time i witnessed these actions i would try and stop him, only causing a bigger scene whereby there would be fights involved, once with a knife to my throat. After that my mother would tell me to stop rebelling against him as i only made things worse. So for the majority of the time, i had to bite my tongue and watch him bully them.
Matters only got worse after my step-brother graduated from alcohol to heroine, the begging would be more frequent and even at times he would wake my grand parents up in the middle of the night to beg for money. My parents had no control over him and my grand parents would not go through the legal procedure of removing him from their household.
From time to time, he would lie to to my parents about getting a job interview and needing money for a haircut or some new clothes, each time my parents would fall for it even after i warn them that this was just a trick.
Eventually my mother signed him up for a 3 months rehab centre in South Africa which was very costly. On the day of his departure, him and some of his friends had decided to take one final shot of heroine before leaving which as you can imagine left him a euphoria state at the airport, luckily one of the head members of the organisation handling the rehab centre managed to get him on board in a wheel chair.
While my step-brother was away, we were getting pictures and reports on his progress which was really good said by the head of the rehab centre.
On his return, he managed to get himself a girlfriend and was in the process of getting a job on a tanker, he had also reduced the amount of times he would ask for money.
One month after his return / two weeks after his 30th birthday, my step-brother had died of a drug overdoes on heroine and cocaine.
I wish i could tell him how much i hate him.
Two months later / present day i find my self holding in so much anger often waking up with negative thoughts with the feeling of being consumed and often letting out hell at my youngest brother due to his lack of respect towards my mother and the fact that he does nothing around the house to help. I also blame my father due to his lack of authority as he allows these acts to happen often using the excuse of “he is in his puberty stage and it is very normal for him to act like that towards you”.
This is what i have to live with.
I also feel anxiety, depression, loneliness, invisible and suicidal. I will write about this in another blog.
Thanks for reading, if you have any comments or suggestions on how to clear my anger, I would appreciate it.