I…don’t want to live anymore. With each passing day, it becomes more clear that the voice in my head is right.

No one cares about me.

I’m a waste of space.

I’m better off dead.

I’m a pointless existence.

I’m worthless.

I don’t matter.

Everyone already has so many people in their lives, so there’s no point in me being here anyway.

As these thoughts ring through my mind, I know that I should tell somebody. Reach out. But I don’t have anyone to reach out to. There’s no one that will listen. And there’s no one that will understand.

The people I consider closest to me don’t care about me. I don’t matter to them. I’m just an annoyance. A bother. A burden. A nuisance.

The only thing I can do is bottle everything up inside and move forward. It’s painful.

I want to shout. I want to let it all out. I want to cry.

My therapist abruptly resigned and left without saying anything. I’ve bothered my school counselor and friends enough already. I can’t talk to them about this anymore. They’re tired of it. Who am I to call out for help?

These feelings are all I am. I’m nothing more than a hollow and scarred rock. Boring and uninteresting. Seemingly tough on the outside, but weak and pathetic on the inside. Waste that’s just tossed and kicked around.

If I were to die, I doubt anyone would notice. I vanish without a trace all the time. Im always forgotten and ignored. I’m that worthless and useless. I don’t belong anywhere. I doubt I ever will.

I always go unheard. I don’t think I have a voice. No one ever hears me.

I’m a horrible person to be around. These feelings and thoughts are all I am. I’m nothing more. All I can do is say goodbye. I’ve said it so many times that everyone is tired of me saying it. I’ve tried to kill myself so many times but it never worked. It’s an endless cycle of saying goodbye and wanting to die but nothing ever happens. even so, I still want to die. 

I’ve been lied to so many times. I want to hear the truth. My friends keep saying all these things when they don’t really mean it. 

“I need you here.” No you don’t. We rarely talk anymore now. I never meant anything to you. The things you said to me were just empty words. The voice in my head was right. You never cared at all. I chose to believe the opposite, but everything was actually a lie. I gave you chances to be honest, but you chose to lie. You have other friends in your life. You’d be perfectly fine without me, yet you always said otherwise. Even now, you always show how meaningless of an existence I am.

Lies cut deeper than anything. Everyday, I look at the those I consider closest to me…and see that I mean nothing to them. It’s fine if people don’t like me. We have our own feelings. But lies hurt. Everyday, I’m scarred again and again. Deeper and deeper. And it’ll continue forever and ever. Until there’s nothing left of me.

im afraid of sharing my thoughts and feelings because I’m terrible at conveying how I feel.

I don’t blame anyone for anything. Everyone is truly great and I believe everyone will live great lives. 

To everyone that reads this…

I hope you are doing okay. You are a beautiful soul and are deeply loved.

*if some parts change, just know I’m editing parts that don’t convey my feelings the way i want them to be. I want my feelings to be conveyed properly. I hope that’s okay.*