i don't understand why i am supposed to be excited about my birthday and still being here. what is so exciting about that? i asked my bf to not get high for just one night just for my birthday, but he said to stop asking him. why couldn't i have just one night? am i really not worth that much? one night not being high. how can you say you love someone when you can't even give that up for one dam night? and yes i'm mad. i'm infuriated. i'm angry that he belittles me all the time. that he yelled at me and told me i fail at life and that he repeatedly tells me i'm dumb and stupid. i'm mad that he told me my friends don't care about me so stop texting them and calling them.  that he tells me to get over it. to put on a happy face and pretend. to stop crying when i'm upset. that he gets angry when i don't do what he tells me to. that on the night i had a terrible panic attack that i couldn't control and was absolutely terrified, that he got angry and told me i was ruining his birthday and his high when it was the early morning after his birthday ended. i'm mad that he always tells me i ruin his high and that i ruined his friends high that once because i played 2 hip hop songs. i'm mad that he tells me i'm a downer when he is just as bad, if not worse than me. i'm mad that he never cuts me a break. that he tells me i'm not trying when i do my best to do what needs to get done. i'm mad that he calls my friends, family, clothes, music, books, everything stupid.  i'm mad that nothing i do ever seems to be good enough for him.  if i try to be uplifting i'm a stupid naive girl and if i'm depressed i'm a bitch who is ruining his fun. yes, i might have had an outburst once or twice, but only because i needed to fight back.  i had to gain some sense of control, even if only for a minute. he said he was going to take care of me. he promised it would be better once we were together. he swore to me. i might be angry with him. but what i can't get over is that i aboslutely hate myself for believing him. so happy birthday to me. let's celebrate on behalf of my never ending pathetic self being here one more year…