I sit on my balcony and look out at all the people on the street going to the bar on the corner. They talk and laugh. I just sit on the balcony and don\'t dream of going out. A few weeks ago I did go out b/c an old army buddy was in town. I met a girl and we were supposed to go out tonight but I cancelled telling her that I wasn\'t feeling well. I can\'t go out with a girl who\'s just going to figure out that I\'m fucked in the head after an hour or so. I can\'t even try to have a relationship with a girl . I don\'t want to date or anything like that. I know that it will just end badly and its better just to avoid the whole thing altogether. Still I sit on my balcony and watch the world pass me by and wish I could be a part of it but I just cannot. What the hell am I supposed to talk about with someone I don\'t know? I can put on act for a little while but eventually the truth emerges. I cannot act forever. I go to the gym everyday and never talk to anyone ever. I don\'t want to talk to anyone. But I hear people talking about their weekend plans – this club or that bar – and there\'s something in me that so badly wants to do those things again but the rational side of me dismisses the thought. I am not who I once was. I am scared and broken but most of all haunted. Its as if the ghosts of all my men surround me at every turn and never allow me a moment of solace. Every time I pulled the trigger I pushed myself further and further into the nightmarish abyss where I now find myself.

3 Comments
  1. punkyflower 11 years ago

    Im stuck in the same rut :/ …it feels like were being robbed of our youth and we should be out there enjoying life with everyone else and not being isolated and depressed on our own…but its so hard to talk to anyone because it feels that they just won\'t understanc and label us as just \”crazy\” if people only knew what we face everyday of our lives it truly is a struggle and a very lonely road. Its hard to be optomistic but we just gotta try to be. Im currently looking for a support group and if u can u should do the same i think it would be very helpful to suround ourselves with people who would not only understand us but we could also all be supportive of eachother and help us cope and live with social anxiety.
    I hope things get better for you soon. Keep your head up and be strong my friend

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  2. morethanthis 11 years ago

    Same thing happened to me last night, being fri night in oz. I live next door to a pub (hotel/bar) and I hear all the people coming and going and I sit there wishing I could be them. Sometimes I go by myself to a wine bar my
    friend (friend who I only ever see at the bar and have no contact outside of that) owns. I know most of the people that go there so its the easiest place to go, but I always end up really drunk (I think I hold my alcohol well) just so I can be fun and sociable. I\'ve made new friends but I\'m on my guard and don\'t commit to anything, afraid I will let them down.

    If only we could tell people what was going on, if they could understand I\'m sure they would be alot more supportive. I was drunk once doing karoke and this couple came up to me and said how well I sang and that I should be doing more with it and I said I was surprised I was up there at all because I have social anxiety. The lady seemed surprised but the guy just said \”Well you better get over that or you will never be able to be in a band\” Nice!!!!!

    Anyway despite still having it, I did join a band a couple in fact and its weird I\'m less nervous than if I was going out. I think the band were my security blanket and I always feel less anxious if I have a purpose for being out. I don\'t have a problem with anxiety at work anymore because I\'m supposed to be there and everyone knows me there. Weird and frustrating. I\'m just so glad I have found this tribe. Thank you again.

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  3. Vtillg12 11 years ago

    ahhh! reading your blog just brought tears to my eyes…you wrote everything thats in my heart. I usually do that on friday and saturday nights when i know everyone my age including friends of mine are out somewhere having the time of their lives and i sit here and struggle just to get out to go put gas in my car..it seems like such a huge task to do anything…partying, drinking, or even just going out to dinner seems like something so impossible and everytime I imagine that there was a time in my life not too long ago that I used to do all these things it amazes me, i feel like that was a different person and cant imagine Ill ever be that person again…dating also is something unreal to me now…I cant picture myself going out on a date sitting there and talking…its so hard to explain, but im sure you know what im talking about. I can just picture it going on a date and 15 minutes into it having a panic attack I can just picture my date running like hell lol
    its so difficult i was never a jealous person, but now my biggest jealousy is of the people that do the simple everyday things and just have a good time :/

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