Today I found out that the reason for all the chaos the past day or so is because of my depression. The doctor's office sent over my medical records, the medical part was as up to date as possible, the mental health record that they had was almost 4 years old. So I had to sit down and explain for 3 hours that the records they sent over weren't accurate about my mental health. But anyways, I got that sorted out.
But all last night and some of today I was crying a lot, I actually cried until I could no longer produce tears. And I realized that one of the main reasons was because I would have to break up with my boyfriend. It made me think a lot. Maybe I'm wrong about how I see the situation? Maybe I'm asking for too much attention? Maybe I need to fix myself more then I thought. But part of me is saying that I'm right in my feelings of wanting more attention. Besides last night, he has given me a total of 5 hours of his time within the past 2 weeks. We live together, we spend most of the day in the same room when I'm not working. And he only spent 5 hours actually talking to me, showing me attention, showing me affection, showing me love. And he's complaining and argueing with me that I'm asking for more attention then most people need. Am I?
Maybe the only reason why I'm trying so hard to make this relationship work is because I hate being proven wrong, I hate losing, I want to be able to fix everything, and I love his family. I love his little sister, I love his mom, I love his grandma, I love his little brother (even though he's a little *bleep*), I love his dad, I love his grandpa, I love his adopted brother. I love his family. I know that if me and him were to break up then he wouldn't find anyone else like me. Someone that keeps up and a lot of times exceeds him, someone that cares for him, someone that pampers him, someone that his family loves and approves of, someone who will put up with his shit, someone who pushes him to keep on track.
I don't know, maybe I'm just wrong about the whole thing. Maybe I'm just asking for too much attention, maybe I'm asking too much from him. Is it normal to feel jealous and angry that he spends literally 99% of his waking moments on his computer chatting to girls that basically worship him. That he literally stays up for multiple nights in a row on his computer chatting with other girls, that I take it personally when no matter how hard I try I'm never good enough, that the most attention he's given me in the past 2 months is last night when we both thought that it was going to be the last night together. He stayed up with me until the next morning while I cried. He showed me love and affection. Am I asking for something that normal people don't ask for? Am I asking for an insance amount of attention or something? According to him I am, but the thing is, when he wants attention from me and I don't give it to him he wants then he gets all butt hurt and makes it impossible to do whatever I'm doing unless I start a fight.
one thing that I finally realized, I can't make him show me attention or affection. I've tried almost everything to get his attention, except for cheating, and he doesn't show me attention. Is that a bad thing on my part? Is that a bad thing on his part? Am I wrong? I'm trying to accept the fact of this, but I'm having a really hard time accepting it. I don't know what to do. To be honest, I want him to care for me at least 1 smidgen of a tenth of what I care for him. Am I wrong to want that? I don't know, I honestly just feel like doing something stupid and forgetting this entire thing. I know I won't do anything stupid, but I want to.