I’m forcing myself to stay up and do things, because I’m feeling so poorly right now that all I want to do is curl up onto the bed and cry. My dear husband is changing the oil in the car right now. I just don’t want to feel so terrible anymore! I do wish my doctor had given me a higher dose of the Ativan. Because I need to take two to really be able to feel an effect. I think I’m going to light some incense. I’ve really been enjoying my new green tea incense. I’m steeping another Sencha, it’s my third of the day. The third steeping is usually flavorless, but I still make it because I want to squeeze every last bit of tea from those leaves. They aren’t cheap. So… another wrench in my religious identity search. Something totally out of left field. I don’t know if I’ve written before about this, but I was secretly a Muslim last year for four months. I wore hijab, I prayed (I was only able to pray twice a day because my husband would come home), I bought tasbih beads (musk scented) for dhikr. I also did wudu and ghusl when appropriate. I still brush my teeth with the miswak.

I’m not sure what’s going on with me, but I feel a pull towards Allah again. I have reaffirmed the shahadah and performed ghusl for repentance. I have asked Allah to forgive my returning to former gods. I don’t think I’ll be able to wear hijab this time (long story), but everything else I can do. My brain is all jumbled up these days, so I do believe that Allah will forgive me for not praying as often as I should, as I am not of sound mind and am heavily medicated. My anxiety and confusion prevent me from a lot of things. So what does all this mean regarding my search for Jesus? Islam answers that question for me- Jesus (Isa) was nothing more than a prophet of Allah, which would explain why I can’t feel Jesus now. It doesn’t explain my ability to feel Jesus’ presence when I was young, but that’s just it, I was young. A lot of things were different when I was young.

Anyway, I find that it is easier to trust in Allah when things are bad (which is literally all the time now, for me) than in Jesus or Mother Gaia. I have neighbors who are Muslim (they have Allah in Arabic on their back windshield). And I’ve seen Muslim women on my street taking walks with their kids. So initially I would wear hijab, but whenever I was asked about it, I would say that it was my instant mask for COVID. For some reason I don’t think it would fly this time. So I won’t be wearing hijab but I will continue to dress modestly. I have read about Muslim women who don’t wear hijab. I will also be avoiding alcohol and pork. The alcohol will be difficult- I wouldn’t be able to drink kombucha anymore, nor would I be able to have anything with vanilla extract. They do make halal vanilla extract, but it is not widely used. Regarding music, some scholars say all music is haram, but others say only certain types of music are haram. I’m going with the latter opinion. Music has been very therapeutic for me, and has not led me into sin. How then, could something so beneficial not be pleasing to the Lord?

It is the month of Ramadan, maybe that’s why Allah is calling me back to him. Last year I observed the whole of Ramadan. This year I’m a few days late. But I won’t be able to pray Tarawih this year because my husband no longer works graveyard. I feel the urge to lie down and cry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Things just aren’t all right. I pray that Allah will ease my burdens. I will go lie down and read some Qur’an.