12:08 pm 7/15/09 Wednesday
Yesterday, I was feeling anxious about taking time out to blog. I felt worried that if I took time out to blog, that I would fall further and further behind in what I have to do. I know that is an illusion but it's hard to look beyond the illusion. My wife said that I am overly negativistic and look at everything from a very bleak despairing perspective which drags her down. I think she is right that I am an overly wet blanket who looks at the negative and has trouble seeing the positive. I was talking with my therapist/analyst yesterday and telling her how blogging was helpful for me but it seems like the blogging runs of a steam after about a week unless I get refueled emotionally by visiting my therapist. I liken visiting my therapist to a desert traveler visiting an oasis and refueling his canteens. I liken the writing in the blogs to drinking from my canteen in between the oasis. I need both.the oasis and the canteens as I wander in the barren emotional desert for 40 years. I hope that I can eventually get to the promised land of milk and honey.
I got into argument with wife over her complaining that I made her feel down by sharing my negative feelings with her. I feel guilty because I feel I should be more understanding. I feel anxious when we get into tiff. I worry that she will stop loving me and leave me. My wife asked me to cut down on number of therapy sessions have saying we can't afford twice per week sessions (which is probably true). But then she wants me to open up about how I feel and when i do, she gets upset with me. I feel like I am in a catch-22 situation. Writing about it seems to help.