October 9th 2010 Day 4 off of work and on meds for thryoid and depression.

umm.. the Cipralex are agitating my sleep but who am I to complain because even when I was not on meds I was not sleeping due to anxiety, sadness and frustration.  Plus I would cry because I knew I had to get up to work in the am.. talk about a vicious cycle. So now.. I am grateful.  so what if I am up at 2h55am everynight, I can recognize the symptoms of agitation and anxiety and work through them.  Since I am off work, I just breath through it and walk the house and even if it is an ungodly hour, I just do whatever it is I need to do.  Eat, watch a movie, read, play with my cats and I do so without overthinking it because I know it will pass and eventually I will fall asleep and that I can sleep till whatever hour I need to the next day.  God bless time off of work.. god bless 🙂 

Note to others : don`t fight it when you can`t sleep, accept that your body & mind are changing and it needs time to adjust. 

I am still proud of being able to cook yesterday.  Today, it was my cousins 17th b-day and we picked him up for breakfast, then took him to the racecar track for an hour.  The fresh air is priceless.   I realize that my days are slowly starting to fill up but I must slow them down a bit before I hit the same tired downhill slope but since I am off work, I feel less mental and physical fatigue so I can give a bit more of myself to others.  My boyfriend is opening up to me more and more, he holds my hand and touches my face and says that he is happy to see me smiling.  He said he caught me just sitting watching my cat and smiling, something he has not seen in a very long time.  I catch myself smiling again over nothing.  He is patient and loving and knows me so well that when he sees me getting tired he will look at me and ask me if he has lost me ( short term lol ) We usually laugh at it and he sets me up on the couch or in a bath and just kind of hangs around not asking anything of me.  Gotta love him !  I know that I have done some major damage to our relationship and I have pushed him away but boy oh boy, we really do love each other and he knew that I was still there under all that crap.

This morning, my aunt beamed at me and said I looked like a brand new person.  My boyfriend laughed and said that he could not get me to stop smiling and he is right, I was just joyful like I used to be.  She called later in the day to ask me to go to her house tonight but I said no because I could sense my seriousness right now and do not want to push it.  Even though I want to go, I will get into pj's and rest and watch tv. 

I have the whole rest of my life to everything else, right now my doc and my body says REST.

I know that I am not feeling the effects of the meds after 4 days, so I know a relapse is possible but I think that time off work, less stress, sleep and good support are what is giving me the positive outlook.  It suprises me still to not feel the darkness, I have not seen it since Monday and for me that is huge.

I leave with a quote : When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold.  They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.  ~Barbara Bloom