To all my faithful readers, I should warn you this is about to be a lengthy blog; however, if you would like to know how my weekend has progressed bare with me. it's almost impossible to describe… (trust me, its been eventful)
I started my 5 hour drive to visit my close male friend on Thursday afternoon. As I've mentioned before, we are very close and have been on the verge of dating the past 6 months but he is still in love with his ex girlfriend, making the situation impossible to act upon. I was estatic on the drive up to visit him. The drive was scenic and I enjoyed every minute of it. I was driving up a mountain and felt like I was on top on the world. It was symbolic of conquering my depression. I felt like nothing mattered at that moment, which was doomed to fade abruptly.
My friend and I have mastered our communication. We can talk about absolutely anything, resulting in having countless heart to hearts. Immediately upon arrival, I was thrilled to see him. My nervousness had left the buliding. We went to dinner with friends and then spent the night watching movies together. Almost forgot what it was like to have someone to cuddle with. Of course, we ended up having a long heart to heart about what we are, which is essentially nothing. We talked for hours about how emotionally crippled he is and that he is still in love with his ex. We've always just said that we will see where things go and if we are meant to be together we will. He clearly isn't ready.
The last night is when all hell broke loose. We went to his friends house and began having a few drinks, but ended up having more than intentionally planned.. a lot more. All of a sudden I became extremely upset for absolutely no reason and I told him we needed to leave. I walked outside to avoid having a massive episode infront of him and his friends. He followed me outside and was trying to figure out what was wrong, but I couldn't tell him about my condition. I just repeatedly said that I couldn't tell him. It was a mess and for anyone in the parking lot that we were in, it was definitely probably an amusing scene I put on display. This is an incident where I let my depression take the wheel and lead me down a dangerous path. It had complete control.
We went back to his house, where I broke down. I have never told anyone about my family issues, but for some reason I let everything out with him. It may be because he had similar issues to mine. We were both intoxicated and practically sobbing. Awkward bonding moment and without a doubt the deepest conversation I have ever had with anyone. We became much closer that night, in more ways than one. We crossed several boundaries and ended up on a completely different level than we started on.
I woke up the next morning with swollen, puffy eyes from crying and a great deal of confusion over what had happened the previous night. We talked a little about what had happened but decided to get lunch and contine the conversation at a later time. I bring everything up after lunch, hoping maybe he felt closer to me as well, although the knew the truth; I just couldn't admit it. Everytime we become closer for one reason or another, he immediately pushes me away. He is terrified of becoming hurt and also doesn't understand why he gets closer to me. So his logical answer is to push me away and tell me we can never be more than friends. He has told me this before several times, but often changes his mind. He can't handle anything right now with me and he admits that. We talked and agreed that I won't wait for him, but we can still consider ourselves best friends. Not the easiest solution for myself, but I need him as a friend. I haven't ever been close to someone like I have been with him. It would break my heart to lose him all together.
Leaving his house this morning is impossible to describe. I was sad about the fact that we are still nothing, although I didn't want to be directly involved with him at the moment. I just hoped to have "something" with him, which we did until he pushed me away. I left knowing that we will always remain great friends, which is still important. But I wasn't just sad because of him. I felt lost. It was as if I was driving away from my happiness. Overall, I had a great time with him. It was amazing to have someone to talk to, cuddle with, and just be around. I didn't appreciate the scenic route down the moutain like I did when I was driving up. I had a different view of things. My perception in my depressive state wasn't able to see the good in things. I had a breakdown the entire way home but I knew that would happen.I was essentially leaving a part of me behind, which was the part of me that is happy and myself. That part of me is sitting up on that damn mountain and I don't have the strength to retrieve it.
I'm currently at my parents house and will be returning back to school on Tuesday. It's comfortable being home, but I can't seem to grasp any happiness or normality. I'll be going back to school, where I have no one and have lost a main person that I talked to on a regular basis (because we agreed to not talk as much to try to rid the feelings I have for him). I'm surrounded by a world of strangers that could care less about me. I am so alone and am only increasingly becoming more alone. For once, I didn't feel alone the past couple of days, which I think is why I have now sunk back into my depressive state. It was almost just teasing me of what it was like to feel loved was like, but as soon as I tried to grab that opportunity it was snatched away faster than you can imagine.
I don't regret this weekend. If anything, it showed me I have potential to be happy but my depression is obviously starting to take full control. It is building its wall higher and higher and towering over me. I am trying to admit to myself that if I don't conquer this now, I'll never make it over the wall. It will be impossible.
***To those of you that stuck with me through out this blog- you are an amazing person. I appreciate you taking the time to listen.