lonely as fuck!!!!!

i'm lonely as ever. my wonderful bi-polar fiance has gone to bed. it's 8:30pm. i know he works hard (and i have read how difficult it can be for bi-polar sufferers to hold down full-time jobs) but i feel completely selfish because i need affection most of the time.

i have also been reading up on my mental disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and have found that it makes people become clingy.

that is true. i admit i am a little clingy, but i also learnt that bi-polar sufferers, in particular those who suffer from bi-polar 2,  can end up avoiding contact with other people.

this sometimes causes a rift between myself and my other half, but recently i have learned to handle it. that's not to say i no longer cry when i am alone, because i do. i just did. it can't be helped. well, it probably can, but the Citalopram doesn't make the crying stop. it just eases the psychotic phases i go through sometimes. my last psychotic phase was in July, which ended in a hospital trip. (i will talk about that on a different day. i'm upset enough as it is).

i admit to having deliberately put off my studying of my own illness, but the other half printed off lots of info about it a few months ago, which we only got round to going over a few weeks ago after much pressure from him.

it scared the living shit out of me. the other half asked me to "circle all the bits that are relevant to you personally".

i think i circled nearly everything on every fucking page. it got me really upset. all i could think was "i'm a fucking mess. there's no hope for me." as it goes, i haven't quite learnt how to deal with having BPD just yet. i was diagnosed with having depression when i was 16, after many different types of mental health treatments that were unsuccessful.

i've suffered from a problem with alcohol for 8 years, but have recently managed to keep off the drink, which is surprisingly not as difficult now as it used to be. my other half doesn't drink, so that helps me i guess.

i have self-harmed recently, if i'm totally honest, but not as badly or as often as i used to. it is still difficult, however, keeping the urges at bay. i manage it most of the time, but i think most people are guilty of slip-ups of some kind.

on this blog, i just wanted to open myself up with the hope that others out there could relate and maybe advise me on what is best to keep my mood a little more "up" than it has been lately.

thank you for reading,

Claire (unadorable) x