2:41 pm, 7/30/09 Thursday
Slowing down from my frantic busyness. I went to business meeting and then came back to office and feeling depressed and anxious because I have no place else to run around to and I have to face reality. I hate facing reality without adrenaline and frantic rushing around. The rushing around distracts me from my inner pain. My mind jumps around trying to next thing to distract myself with. A part of me hates staying focused because it means facing my inner emotional state of emptiness and loneliness and anxiety. I don't like to face how scared I chronically feel. I want to pretend that those feelings aren't there. I wanted to journal yesterday but I kept telling myself I can't spare the time. Even now as I journal or blog, my mind tells me I am wasting time, I am running out of time, something catastrophic will happen, some horrible event will occur due to my not running around frantically. The adrenaline rush that comes from feeling frantic makes me feel less dead inside, less lonely, less of that pain.
2:46 pm (5 minutes)
As I blog, I get in touch with the sadness, the sense of inadequacy and shame that I haven't been good enough, that I haven't done enough, that I feel like a fallure and that money will run out and i will be broke. That it's too late, These terrible self critical voices that crush me that I try to run away from. I believe in God's love but His love seems very distant to me on an emotional level. I have an intellectual faith but I really feel like I can't feel God;s presence even though I know He must be here. I hope that someday God's love can be felt by me. I know He must be sustaining me even when I can't feel His presence. I ask God to be with me, to keep me company when I feel so alone, to help me get through this dry desert. Help me as I wander 40 years in the desert to live long enough to reach the Promised Land of emotional peace and happiness.
2:52 pm (11 minutes of blogging)