I have been depressed. The Lamictal has been making me more stable – not much in the way of manic behavior, and fewer harmful impulses (though, they are still there – I still recogize some symptomatic behavior, and question whether other behavior is me or the bipolar disorder, rocking my world some more) but I am still so sad, lately. I mean, I guess, if you have reasons to be sad, you’re going to be sad. I know, I need to be going to therapy, but I get so overwhelmed. I have been trying to reconcile a lot of things, lately. The past… the fact that I still allow myself to be haunted by circumstances that no longer exist – in some cases, by people who no longer exist. And, there are the painful places that I have to let go of… the places in my past where part of me still exists, because I haven’t been able to let go.
I have to exist here and now, if I am ever gonna figure out where I am supposed to be going.
I get so tired so easily. I don’t eat what or when I should. I am trying to do better, taking care of myself and my place, but it’s hard.
The things people say to me get under my skin, and make me feel so badly. Insulting statements from people I care about and respect, stay with me for so long, and give me such complexes. I know, people don’t realize how fragile I am to the things they say. The same way kind words mean so much… unkind words screw my mind up, hard core.
I hate feeling insufficient – like I am not there when someone I care about needs me/wants me to be there. I feel so ill equipped to live up to anything, right now. Trying to shake those feelings… I see the shrink next week… and my GI specialist… and, I really have to make those appointments. I need to pull it together.