I'm writing this blog as I am trying to get myself together, my wife jumped down my throat earlier today telling me to get a job. I've been looking and trying like hell, I keep coming up short. I've come up short on goals that i've tried to make successful, and this has been that for me my whole life, so it figures that I would be a victim of this recession. I keep asking myself who did I piss off before they died? Because it feels like someone up there dosen't like me, in fact it seems like they just out right hate my guts. the tension is so thick in my house most of the time that you can cut it with a knife. I suffer from anxiety and depression, but I don't think i'ts medical, I think it's due to everything thats going on in my life, and years of always being the low man on the Totem Pole.

I did graduate from college ( alot of good it did me ) and i'm still struggling like someone who never finished high school. I'm a musician and enjoy playing and writing music, but my success has been anything but stellar in that as well. One band that I was playing in supposedly had a Record deal, that didn't happen, it devistated me and thats when I think it all really hit the fan.

Everyday I keep wondering why i'm still alive, what is my purpose and calling in this world? Sometime I feel like god only keeps me here so I can go on suffering and taking my Wife and Step-Daughter down with me. I sometime feel like they would be better off without me. I just can't catch a break, my car got repossesed and were filing for bankruptcy, we were able to buy a home, thanks to the owners willing to carry the note, we couldn't get approved for a loan. We struggle just make our Mortage payments. I know theres other people who have it alot worse, but I feel like i'm about to explode, I feel my wife is not as supportive as she used to be and as a result i've fantasized about seeking comfort in the arms of another woman. Its terrible to think that I know and believe me I hate myself for it, but I feel down and out and at times I can't hold back the tears.

I hope that if you read this you'll provide me with some feedback and advice, I really need it.