so all my mistakes have finally caught up with me…everything I've worked so hard for can all far apart in a second…

and it's all my fault, I knew the risks going off my meds( Boderline Personality)

Unstable relationships and impulsive actions…no not me I thought..that's crazy…but then I ask why must I remain in an unhealthy marriage, we've come through repeated affairs and continuous fighting..??? cause we love each other and we are addicted to each other…and he is a good man, I'm the fuck up, I'm the one who can't reamin faithful, I keep looking outside my marriage for the greener grass even when I know there is none…( I've tried to leave several times and did once, but he won't stay out of my life, so I took him back)

I've never been able to figure out just who I am, or why I'm here, what is my purpose, who am I? A question I"ve asked myself repeatedly…why am I so uncertain of my identiy?

when I read the symptoms and causes and realize how tightly I do actually fit into this category..why can I still not believe???

but what I do believe is I'm a screw up, constantly flirting with danger and this time I've done it..a lie even too big I'm not sure I can keep it going….okay here goes..if you got this far you deserve to read my lie….and I need help…do I ever need help I don't need judgement, I'm already judging myself.

I'm 7 weeks pregnant with my third child and I don't know who the father is…( phew! there I said it)///

I began to flirt with my marriage again and I was happy, my home life goes better when I'm being impulsive…I don't know why..and I can't explain it. The father could be my husband but I don't think so, an old boyfriend, or a guy from work…either way..I have been told to terminate the pregnancy…as much as I feel this is my fault and I should face the consequences i dont' want to ruin everyones life…my husband would be ruined, my two girls whole world would be torn apart, if it's the ex boyfriend, he doesn't know the first thing about being responsible, and if it's the co workers, he is married and has a little boy..whose life would be ripped apart as well…so for the children I think I should but I'm having so many doubts… Fuck!! I'm in hell and I created my hell…

I welcome all horrible comments, as there is nothing that can be said that I don't already think about myself…I'm not sure where I am going from here and I'm scared to death…I do want the truth to set me free…but at what cost and to whom…