god. what a day!
well firstly, what a night last night was. gesus did i get my self into a wee bit of a mess. i havent felt like i did last night in a long time, i totally lost it, i broke, craked, exploded; tears everywere for about 2hours.
i couldnt stop, i felt so angry and fustrated, helpless and vunrable, rejected and lonley, scared and disapointed. sooo many different feelings just rushing around on my brains emotion high-way. i cried untill 2.30am. lame. had 4hours sleep & then had collage all day today. madness. i also had the henchest councelling sesh. again cried most of the time i was init.
i feel so utterly drained. my head is pounding- i feel like i might snap, so fragile and empty. a hollow body made of thinnest egg shell. so light i feel like im floating/ its a weird sensation.
i cut for the first time in almost 7months last night. not as badly as i usually do though, but the thing is i didnt even feel bad after wards. i felt so relieved, it was the amazing rush and throbing, almost buring in the skin. beautiful. however, i felt like shit telling my counceller i did it, but she let me know it was okay becuase it helped me. 🙂 i bloody love my counceller, i never feel like she’s judging me or condeming me for my bad and stupid choices.
she lets me need her unconditionally. its comforting to me. i dont think with out her i could have got this far. i dont think i could have got through last night with out two other people ither, alex & aronn. totall angels; hearts are in the right places, they make you feel worth something. together they stopped me- i wanted so badly to just end everything last night. i just didnt want to carry on, i still now feel like giving up, holding my hands in the air & saying i cant and wont do it anymore. but i have a glimmer of hope. they gave that to me, becasue of them im still here. i dont even think they realise what they mean & are beinging to mean to me.
i dont have hope or faith in religion, but i do in my friends, pure and utter faith.
so much stuff is still in my head but i cant type anymore, tierdness is setting in and sleep will utimatly prevale over my mind.