If you have read all of my blogs, you know that with all the pain, and all the shit, I've been through,
I am mostly positive,
Because I know I will see Joy again.
Lately though, I have had up & down days.
And when 3 friends say it's because you can't keep what we have unless you give it away.
I listen.
Honestly? I also think that since I've been getting a lot of praise about my writing –
I just saw that friends of BillW, an online AA newsletter with over 1200 members, is using another one of my posts in a three part series,
The Tuscan NA newsletter asked to use some,
Hazelden making us a permanent part of their addictions library,
And all of you telling me how inspirational my writing is,
I believe my ego has been feeding at a buffet table!!
And I am enjoying it.
This is new for me.
Because in the past I would recoil from a praise,
Now I was starting to believe it, that this is from me.
And I can not have that.
It is from God, not me.
One of the reasons I am doing the steps again.
Not to go back to lurching away from a compliment,
But to see, understand, and ask God, to remove any defects of character, including ego.
Especially the 4th step, 'Made a fearless and moral inventory of ourselves.
The 5th; Admitted to God, to ourselves, and another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
And the 6th & 7th; Were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character, and humbly asked Him to remove them.
The fact that I no longer recoil from praise, and yet,
Know that I might be tilting to the other extreme –
Tells me I am growing. And the comments you guys have given, has helped.
So much.
Those 6 steps helped me look, really look , at myself. And I need to do it again.
Cause I tell you, I have no doubt, that if I don't – the first time I sit down to write a story for Journey magazine?
I will draw a blank.
Nothing will come to me, because it is not OF me, it is OF God.
And when I realized that?
God gave me another God Shot.
I brought a new comer (90 days clean) to speak at my H&I commitment (hospitals & Institutions) Monday night.
I bring a meeting into the first rehab center I went to, amd walked out of. Every other Monday.
I arrange for a speaker to come and share their experience, strength, & hope.
This was my speaker's second attempt at sobriety. He had relapsed once & was now trying it again.
He had never gotten past the 4th step.
This was also the kid's first time speaking, and he was nervous. "What do I do?" He asked me.
"Pray," I said.
Then talk."
He did, then he did.
And did he!
He never faultered. His words flowed!
Like syrup over waffles.
It was SWEET!
I had been worried about what kind of reception he would get.
I didn't want anything to dampen that burning ember inside this kid.
This treatment center is a state funded one. It would not be mistaken for The Betty Ford Center.
The clients are poor. Mostly from the street, or prison.
They can be a tough crowd.
I know the type well.
When I was at this center, I didn't want to hear anything, anybody had to say.
I would be there, because you had to attend to get a carton of milk and a sandwich after.
I was there, but I was so far away it was funny.
Funny in such a sad way.
Because I'd heard it all before. All of us there, had.
Life was not about living, but surviving.
Just making it through another day with as little pain as possible.
Happiness was a concept;
Like Heaven.
Nice thought, but, come on…
None of us really believed in either one.
So when the kid began, I was paying attention.
Ready to come to his defense.
As he continued to talk, I kept on paying attention.
But to him, not the group.
His story was one of upper middle class America. Completely normal.
Though, what is normal?
Me? Mine might have been a little outside the norm.
My Grandfather owned side shows in a traveling carnival.
My brother, sister & I were favorites among our friends during childhood;
We kept elephants, instead of cows, in our pasture during the winter season.
My Dad owned Adult theatres, Gentlemen's Clubs, & regular theatres.
I was a favorite among my friends during high school.
I guess 'normal' is relative.
The kid went through his story,
He Flowed through his story.
From upper middle class childhood, through college, trying a new drug one step at a time.
Until he tried crack.
It ended with him hitting his bottom living behind a chinese restaurant,
Eating thrown away 'moo gai something' (as he called it).
And afterwards, when the floor was opened for sharing,
So many guys there, hardcore, straight from the street, would look at you as prey instead of a person, guys there, related to him
Maybe not the first half of his story, but to him..
His bottom, of course, they could relate to, but one point he made especially touched home for them.
For me.
He had tried changing schools, moving from the NE, to Miami, thinking a geographical change would help, but;
He kept meeting himself where ever he went.
He, couldn't avoid, him.
When he was done speaking, and the clients in the rehab were done sharing their war stories & how they related,
We spent a little while outside, smoking and joking with the clients. This is one of the moments for alcoholics or addicts.
During a meeting, when you are listening to someone share something personal,
Something that had the courage to escape from the fear imposed solitary confinement of it's shrouded soul,
Something that you can understand, even relate to, that moment, is something we long for.
Because that is when we know we are not alone.
And after, without the formality of the meeting itself; joking, laughing & bonding,
When we are one in comradery, that is the another moment.
Where we used to yearn for a drink or a drug, to numb the one thing we wanted most,
Now we yearn only for that one thing.
For acceptance.
It is as exotic, and as desireable, to us as any drug.
Afterwards, when the good byes were said and we had gotten into my car for the trip back to his treatment center,
We talked.
Well, the kid talked. I just nodded & smiled.
We have an expression in AA/NA: 'Keeping it green'.
That is what the newcomer does for us. What this kid did for me.
Helping a newcomer and seeing them grow, awaken, helps you.
He was so EXCITED!
"Man! That was GREAT! They said they related to me! They were glad I had come!"
I sat there, driving, a smile on my face in the darkness of the car.
I remembered that excitement, that wonder, when I was "green".
That's what 'keeping it green' means. You feel the newcomer's excitement and awe at sobriety, and in himself.
Like your favorite song rippling across you.
You remember that feeling. How good,
How, 'Isn't it a beautiful day and top of the morning to you mam'e', good, it felt.
To be sober.
To be free.
A God Shot. Vicariously.
"I've never helped anyone before, without looking to get something for it." The kid said. "I didn't know this was SO cool!"
"Charlie, I'm so glad you asked me to do this!" He's gushing now,
'Oh, he is in the Pink Cloud' (Knowing with CLARITY you have a chance sober, your on fire for sobriety)! I chuckled to myself.
"I want to do it again! I WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN!" He laughed.
It feels almost like a.." He pauses here, as if scared to say it.
"Like a high?" I finished for him. "That's a God Shot, kid. Better than any shot of liquer you've ever had!"
He asked me if I could get him other meetings to speak at?
I told him I would, as long as his sponser told me he was doing his 4th step.
I asked him about his moving down to Miami to get a 'fresh start.'
We talked about not being able to escape from yourself. About why we wanted to run away from ourselves.
About why we do not like ourselves.
Our real selves.
I asked him If he understood what that emptiness/tightness inside of him, that no amount of drinking or drugging would fill, was?
I explained that it was our soul's homesickness for God.
And that all the bullshit,
All that fear, embarrassment, anger & resentments,
that we stuff down inside ourselves,
Blocks that contact. And if he didn't do, completely & honestly, the 4th & 5th step with his sponser,
He would relapse again.
I told him I had tried to avoid me, too, and why.
I told him my story.
I told him about 20 yrs. of holding down, pushing in, bottling up, avoiding at all cost,
The guilt, horror, pain and grief, of what happened to Joy,
And my part in it.
I told the kid how important the 4th & 5th steps are,
And how they saved my life.
Because you can't forgive yourself,
Until you can meet yourself.
Your real self.
peace