Thought I had better start a second blog for this as I notice the blogs don't have the facility for pages to split it up.

Well things seem to be moving forward fairly quickly, I had to go to Dublin for my work but was quite unwell while there, I decided to take a couple of days off sick to recover once I got back to the UK.

Mark was worried about me and turned up on the Thursday evening after a 3.5 hour drive. It was lovely to see him, he had been feeling a bit low himself so it would give him a break as well. Just after Midnight he pointed out it was the 29th Feb and it was traditional to ask somebody to marry them on this day. He suggested that we might get married, I was touched. I'm a cautious person and felt we needed a lot more time to grow together before we took such a step, but something to aim for.

Well he stayed till the Sunday and we had a great time, plenty of time to get to know each other better and do the normal things in life.

It may be a while before we get a chance to get together again, but we are definitely growing together more and more. 05-03-08

Well it is now the 12th March and things move forward and much has happened, so here is the update. I have stopped sharing the blog with Mark as I need it more as my space to deal with our relationship.

Last weekend everything went pear shaped, I'm not sure how it started but by the end of it our conversation I thought it was all over.

I had a visit from my dead partners family and we talk very openly about my relationship with Dave my partner of 28 years. While I was very ill with my heart condition I apparently gave Dave's sister one of Dave's diary's where he detailed his betrail of me with other men, I don't remember doing it but I must have. As a result they are very protective and open with me, during the evening we discussed the fact I'm not the person I was when with Dave and could not go back to being so suppressed ever again.

Later while talking to Mark he asked if I had told them he was HIV Pos, I told him I had. This shook him badly and he took it very badly, I then went on to justify myself and made things worse. What I said to him was that they were my family and my support, if either he or I became ill they are who I would turn to, and that no matter how small the risk of infection of being with him they had a right to know. As you might expect it all came out wrong, we tried discussing by text and that got worse, then we tried by phone and that was a disaster. Mark is terrified that somebody I would tell would betray him at work, I would never put him in such a position, but he does not know the people I told so can't judge.

At the end of the telephone conversation he said "if you think you are at risk with me then call it a day and get tested in 3 months and tell me your still neg", also feeling hurt at the time I simply said "let it be so", hung up and disconnected the landline. We text a little and Mark said he was coming over (3 hour drive), I told him not to bother and intended getting pissed!. Well he did drive over, even though he had been drinking. He turned up at 5.30am in the morning, by this time I was well pissed (luckily I'm not an unpleasant drunk).

We cuddled a lot, we talked a lot. It turned out that Mark had not realized that I told my family when I first met him, not this week. I told my family as they knew Dave my ex had put me at risk for years and I didn't want them to think that Mark was the same, I wanted them to know that Mark was already HIV+ and that I knew and excepted this.

We spent the next 4 days together and it was wonderful, there will be many occasions where we have ups and downs and this is okay, it's a part of normal life.

Whether our relationship succeeds or fails I don't want HIV to be the deciding factor, it is a component, a complication but must not get in the way of life.

Today Mark was due and I was really looking forward to his visit, it's one year today when I woke up in ITU after 7 hours of heart surgery and realised that there were no friends or family around me. It was a desolete moment, a time I am well passed but would have liked Mark to be here for. While in the loft sorting books I came across a number of my old partners diary's, I loved and still do to some extent, but I don't need his diary's where he detailed his betrayal of me with other men he met.

So I opened a bottle of good wine and had a bonfire of most of Dave's old diary's, I still have a few of the ones from before I met him and our first couple of years together, but it was a release to burn the ones I had read after he died.

Mark phoned me while I was burning them and we chatted for an hour or more.

Today I am burning the worst of the past in the hope I can simply remember the best of the past and move forward, hopefully with Mark who has brought much happiness to my life, and who has been through so much himself.

Due to my work I doubt if I will get to see Mark for a couple of weeks, this will be hard as he is such a joy to be with. 12-03-08