Having been around the rooms of N A i have learned a lot about myself and continue to learn more each and every day, how ever i am still confused about alot of areas in my life. being as it was my 36 b-day on the fifth of feb i was able to spend it clean with a few close friendws in the program and had a blast clean, however when the night was over i did the same as usual ended up home alone to fend for my own. i am not totaly sure if i am truly ok with being by myself yet. even though it seems i have always been alone.

the day after my b-day i was able to help a fellow suffering addict for whom is becoming a tru friend. i am intrested in her in both the friendship ways and the romantic ways. being that we are about 60 days apart in clean time is allowing me to justify my crazy ass thinking.  we both decided that friendship was the most important thing for us right now and if something happens it happens,  ( now for those who may think im just horny  do not get it twisted i am far from horny do the the fact i am also addicted to self releiving myself in that way as many times as 6 times a day) im simply lonely and am trying to build friendships. i am also getting involved with a mens group so i can build my foundation with an equal balance. 

Now i have given my number out to many new comers and have been getting more numbers with recovery behind them, its kinda of a slow process for me cause yeah i still have security issues that i am fighting  with letting go of, ( long history of bad blood in the area of which i returned to and not wanting to really being here,) however i am facing the demons here so if i leave i can return with peice of mind knowing it has been settled. im weeding out the unwanted in my recovery slowly but surely. and it is what it is

 now the reality of all this is everything is subject to change at any given moment, i can almost put a flight  risk level on myself if i am not careful. i have to accept what is going on  for i am powerless over my addiction but i am responsable for my recovery and i need to keep it simple cause the disease can twist it in  any way nessacary to get my ass.