Well, I've done it.

Yesterday, over the telephone. Not my preferred way of ending a relationship, but he called and asked, what was I to say? So, I told him that my feelings are not as they should be, and that I could not contiune the relationship. 

Of course, he was disappointed. He blamed me for not being willing to take the relationship further, to the next level, like moving in with him. I don't blame him for feeling that way. He also said he does not believe I ever felt the right way for him, because he cannot understand that feelings can go away. 

I don't mind him placing the guilt on me, I understand he needs to understand why, and if this is a way he can do that, it's ok. I know what's right and what's true. I told him how sorry I am, how much I would wish things to be different, and I think he understands how much it grieves me. I tried to explain that he's done nothing wrong, that he's done nothing but support me and tolerate my stupid whims, mood swings and tears for no reason. I think he understands that this is true. 

I did not tell him that this relationship has been more of a burden than a joy lately – he does not deserve to hear that. 

He said he'll come by later today with my things, I've made ready his. I asked if we wants to come in for a while, have a cup of tea or something, he said yes yesterday, but I don't know if he will. I'd like things to end on good terms, with no more bad feelings than neccesary. I don't think he's given me up completely, though. He asked what I would do if I later understand that I do have the right feelings, I said I didn't know. 

Now I'm trying to clean this place up a bit, make it nice til he comes over, so he can remember me in a good way too, not like a slob. I am anxious, dreading him to come, but also looking forwards to getting this over with. 

Of course there is some grief, a three-year relationship is not something I give up easy, but there's more relief, and that tells me that I've made the right decition. 

2 Comments
  1. dreamynothing 12 years ago

    hun stay strong.  only you know what's right.

    ending long term relationships are hard…I've been there…stay strong

    you will have feelings of guilt, regret, and loneliness….and a lot of what ifs and did i make the right choice thoughts…..

    stay strong.  try to remain friends with him, because he probably knows you more now than anyone else and knows you better than you do yourself at times….good person to talk to when you are lost.

    if you need someone to talk to about all this feel free to contact me…been there…ended things with my ex fiance…was together with him for over 4 years…

    it's difficult but sometimes it's for the best for both you and him

    best of luck dearest

    -dreamy

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  2. marriahh 12 years ago

     Wow…! Thank you all for love and support! 

    Feels good to know people are behind me in this, and have lived through the same situation, and have come out the other side just fine… 

    He stopped by today, delivering my things. He sat down for a while, first a bit annoyed and angry because I had not done enough before, not dared taking the steps he think will have helped. But then he saw me shaking so bad all over, so he came and sat next to me, holding me close, letting me cry and calm down… I told him he was too sweet… But, as I thought, he has not given up hope that I will find my way back to him. 

    As he said just before he left: I will miss your kisses. I wish I had kissed you more often. 

    But I still believe what I did is right… 🙂

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