hello, its carla again.  i really appriciate all of your coments about na meetings and your personal stories.  if i dont know how exactly to respond to the exact individuals that have sent me messages its because i am not very good with computers.  i will try to go to na meeting this week.  there are two about two blocks from me so i can walk there.  i was too sick to go before but if i keep up with the exercise i think i might be able to go.  i do alot of praying and that seems to help.  i also am doing quite a bit of reading true storys of people who have been through hell over this sort of thing.  not all of them are happy endings though.  i know what everyone is saying about not reflecting on the past and all, and i really am trying but i cant help but think that i would have had this thing licked if i had just stood my ground a year ago.  i was even going to meetings and it helped at that time.  why did i have to try to kill myself with this bad stuff.  god gave me all the signs not too and i did it anyway.  i talked to a girl yesterday and she told me that the reason that we make things so much harder on ourselves is because of the abuse that we suffered as a child.  it all makes sense to me now.  i always thought, give me more dammit, i can take it.  come on, i see your bluff and im going to raise it, you see where this is going.  i am going to see a therepist soon, i hope i like him.  i saw my shrink yesterday and i told her how mad i was.  i think that anger is good as long as it doesnt turn into hate.  i also told her that i dont want to be on any of these meds anymore.  they all have such aweful side effects.  long term use can result in many very bad medical problems.  i dont know how soon i can make this happen however.  anyway either way you look at it i have  a very long road ahead of me and im just so scared. i had no support from anyone last year with the going to meetings and not drinking and such and now it seems that everyone is for sure behind me but they have all quit or have really slowed down on their drinking too.  it kind of pisses me off in a way but i am glad that they are out there and you guys too.  thanks again for all of your suggestions and kind words.  keep writing me please.  it really does help,  love carla