I’m 32 years old and I don’t know if I am gay or straight. I have dated men my whole life, found them attractive and played with barbie and Ken when I was a little girl. I love makeup, clothes, pretty things and girly things. Yet, I’m not a fake, plastic doll type. I am very feminine. I always saw myself as a wife and mother and still hope for it. I was a theatre major and wanted to become an actress. I eventually found work in a large non profit. I buried my feelings for other women deep inside and eventually attended group therapy to overcome the temptations.
About 8 months ago a beautiful girl at my theater company started showing me all sorts of attention. She is 27, athletic, never really dated. She started coming by a lot, gazing at me, and slapping me on the butt two times. We went out to a club together and danced provocatively all night. When we were in her car I couldnt help but want to rub her shoulders and I did. We just talked deep for what seemed like forever and we gazed into one another’s eyes deep and sensual like. A week later we went out again with two other coworkers. When I slightly grazed her knee with my pinky she abruptly called me out in front of everyone and said, you’re pinky is touching my leg and it feels very weird. Devastated and humiliated, I asked to talk to her privately. I asked her about the week before and everything that happened with us and if there were any feelings. she said no. I was crushed. I felt so confused and even brought up her slapping my behind, gently she asked did I make you uncomfortable? And I said no, I liked it but it just sent confusing signals. I mean, I dont do things like this with my regular friends. I told her I was sorry and she said I was an amazing person to not worry at all.
After that, I thought she would never talk to me again. Oddly enough, her behavior grew more flirty and manipulative. One minute she is saying dont touch me, and then the next she is coming up behind me and caressing my shoulders at work events. Texting me all the time and giving me seductive looks during company meetings. Eventually, I had to cut ties with her. I mean, blocking her on social media, her texts, and avoiding her at all costs at my job. What breaks my heart is hearing her say my name, or once when I was late for a meeting she grabbed the last biscuit from the middle of the table and placed it in front of me so I wouldn’t be left out. My heart breaks and I do believe she was not healthy for me and that she is battling confusing thoughts too. But my heart thinks of her and her alone. After that one night, I tried moving on. I kissed this guy at our coworkers wedding. When she found out she started tearing up and asked me why. Feeling indignant with her for ignoring me half the night and then suddenly showing emotion, I replied, because I wanted to. I wished it would’ve been her that I’d kissed that night. But her rejection of me has hurt me so unbelievably bad I dont think I could ever be with her even if she were to say, I am gay and I want to be with you.
So that’s where I am. And I’ll attend a group on Wednesday for church like I usually do and I’ll share about her like I usually do. And they are supportive, but there’s an underlying feeling, I guess just in the back of my head, that I am sinning loving her. And my eyes fill up with tears writing that. Because I know it isnt a stretch or exaggerated, I am in love with her.
