Well, a lot has happened since my last entry. A small recap of things would be to say that I finally got the closure I needed from my old therapist, via phone. I have yet to go to the new one this month. I had to cancel my 1st appointment of the year because I have a cold. So, I’m taking it easy at home, nursing myself with chicken soup and grapes.
New Years was insane. I was invited to a sober party but I wasn’t exactly sober. Things looked pretty, with sparklers and a bonfire and such but, below, you could hear the simmering despair of ppl in rehab and the friends I brought with me weren’t even with me when the countdown ensued. It was surreal and disconnected and sad, but I’m glad it’s all over now.
My little sister visited me for Xmas. That’s the one thing that did made my holidays happy! We hung out, went to see “Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them” and then had dinner and drinks at a place near by. She and her husband gifted me 4 huge canvases and her bff coming along also made things fun.
I still low-key feel bad about not talking to Dad but every time I re-consider, I play the tape in my head about what would really happen and truth is I’m not ready for it and he’s just gonna piss me off. I’m not sure what exactly I achieved with Mom that I haven’t yet with Dad, since she no longer triggers me from just hearing her voice (although I still have to deal with some internal triggers) but I do know I have to work stronger on my boundaries and channeling my anger in more positive ways, before I even re-consider talking to Dad again.
I think that, with Mom, even though I know her limits, have grown to accept them, and can say no to enabling her dysfunctions, with Dad I don’t feel like if I said “no” I’d be respected. At least when I say “no” to Mom, she retreats and lets me do my thing. No matter how much she might disagree. I have no such guarantee from my father. Not to mention, with Mom, it’s just Mom. With Dad, it’s like insulting him is a slight to his entire side of the family and that shame they promote just kinda follows the fear of my dealing with Dad 100%.
I don’t know. I’ll figure it out, I guess. In the meanwhile, I’m relieved the holidays are over. Now it’s really time to up the ante in self-care for me! That and making things accessible, dream-wise. For the longest while I have been investigating and exploring the art scene, in my town, and I finally connected with 2 gallery owners who are open to seeing what I can do. So, I will consider myself a working artist, from now on. After I get past my cold, it’s full throttle creation jam!
I really hope this does lead somewhere. It’s achievable, for me, within my current limitations and they also started giving art classes in the art district, for free, so that should complement things a lot, and give me something to look forward to, outside of the apartment, structure wise. 2017 is going to be all about self-care and art, for me. 2016 broke everyone’s naivety in this country as to how bad things can get but I hope that, for those who believe in love, peace, justice and equality, it will become more apparent how fiercely we must gather and resist and counter-act. We were born for these times, I suppose. I, myself will be keeping an eye open for anything positive I can do in the midst of such political uncertainty.
It begins with the Self though. I have a book by a Dr. Lehner, about “The Dance Of Anger” that I will be learning from, and I also have decided to face my Shadow, through Jungian “Nigredo” work. Doing these things will also fuel my creative fires. Let’s see what kind of transformative art comes from all the effort. I really do hope it all pays off.
Hope you guys are well. Take care and happy New Year!