I guess I'm not worthy of having friends. Really truly. David flaked out on me after telling me he misses me and after I bought him 2 gifts and had cupcakes ready for his birthday. I guess the only silver lining is that I do not like David as more than a friend so it could be worse. But it still pisses me off something royal.

On Facebook people ignore me or delete me and I am not writing anything extrodinarily bad or annoying or intrusive either. It's just that no one likes me. Nobody pays attention to me unless I dress very sexy and I won't have that much longer since I am getting old.

I am dreading Christmas and even more dreading New Years. Without the proper items to commit suicide, I won't do it, but I am wishing that I had the proper items. Then I would. I am so sick of life that I'm not even afraid of death anymore.

J has better things to do than see me and he used to drop everything for me. Now he won't even get off his fat ass to stop by and get his gift. Mariya (my "best" friend) has disappered entirely. Alysha is the only one with a REAL excuse not to visit because she had some surgery and that is understandable. I miss her though. I know Ciaran was over the other night, but really I'm never his first choice. Sorta just a plaything, and it makes me feel second best.

So in short, I figure they don't want to spend time with me cuz either I am not worthy, or they are just assholes. Or maybe both. Kyle has not responded to the "love letter" but I don't expect him to and it's much better off that he does not. I was thinking I'd have a chance at getting over him,but with the way things are and me being totally alone, I never will.

I want to eat, but if I do I won't be able to fit into the new size 2 dress I bought. But then again, I have absolutely nowhere to wear that dress to. I have no one to wear it FOR! I don't see why I shouldn't be eating if it's one of the only happy things I get to do. It's better than drugs or lots of drinking. Fat is something nobody is attracted to, but are they attracted to me now? What have I got now? NOBODY. Might as well not starve anymore. I'm fucken sick of starving, I don't do it for my health and I don't do it for my own benefit at all. I only do it in hopes of attracting someone special who never comes along.