I’m gonna throw up a trigger warning for abuse in toxic relationships because there’s some things I need to get off my chest and it’s dark. For a long time I felt alone, I didn’t have any friends and no family to speak to, especially about what I go through mentally on a daily basis. I’m a 22 year old girl with bpd and I was with a man 8 years older once who I loved and thought was a decent person. Through his own troubles he raped me and physically assaulted me more than once. Because of my bpd I thought I was so hard to be with that he must really love me to put up with me. I moved in with him and stayed with him despite what I had been through because he was the one who held ice to my wounds and put me to bed after I’d been so messed up by him some days. I was so alone and wanted to get away from home and feel loved. I thought he was all I had. The only person to listen to me at night and to hold me when I was sad.  I was so broken and hurt and still am. After going to the hospital for a suicide attempt  and being released to come back home and live with him, he hit me so hard he made my eye hemorrhage and gave me a minor concussion after I was really depressed and messed up from med withdrawals from the hospital. I was terrified and moved out for my safety. All the months I lived with him I suppressed my trauma and pain just so I wouldn’t have to be alone and lose my support system. The thought of going back home and feeling so alone terrified me so I stayed with someone who hurt me all that time just so I could have another soul to talk to. If you’ve ever been to that level of loneliness where you would put yourself as risk and be apart of something so messed up and toxic just to not feel so damn alone I am sorry and I hope you and myself can recover. I’m now facing the trauma and no one should feel this way. No one should feel that worthless to think it’s okay to be abused.