It is that time. After 6 weeks off of work I am headed back to the office today. I think I am as ready as I am ever going to be. I am not looking forward to it. There use to be a time when I loved going to work. I think I have figured out I will never truely love this job again but I think I can like it. I miss my old coworker. She was what got me through some of the days of child welfare hell! But alas for whatever reason the county transfered and left my ass to do a two or maybe even a three person job ALONE! That is what brought me to the breakdown, the I NEED TIME OFF point. Lets see how things have changed. THEY say they hired someone and that HE is suppose to have started last week, and yet no one has seen or met him. I dont really know what I think. I hear he is PT, which is whatever hopefully it is the part of the time I NEED help!

Needing help is so difficult for me. I need it at home. I need it with my bank account, never enough money, I need it with the kids, i need it with my personal life, but I am this stoic hard woman. Who has the attitude of I can do this alone. Even when I trip and fall I dust off get up and keep on keepin on. I have just become so tired. So tired of traveling this road I am on alone. I need a partner. I know this, and yet I still stay single. I had the best most loving caring man in my life for about three years. I would reel him in and then push him away, over and over and he would come back, now he is so timid of me I think I have destroyed that which could have been perfect. He has agreed to see a counselor with me for a few sessions maybe there is some shit we can work out there. I always think it is all me tho, i mean he has so many great characteristics but i dwell on that which makes me insane! And well his daughter typically drives me crazy and that is a BIG thing. She is loud which is hard in a house full of quiet ppl! But she is 7! He told me once she is all her mom, and her mom is loud and rude and says anything. Now dont get me wrong, I say whats on my mind, but not at 7. I might have gotten popped! LOL

Oh well, so the kids are up and making their way downstairs. I am off and runnin, but takin my time and doin it slow. I dont have the energy or the state of mind to put all my energy in one place, gotta mix it up and put where i can when i can and not worry to much about anything except myself.

=) Happy Tuesday!