I can’t take this darkness anymore. I go outside and I see the sun in the sky, it’s really bright and I can’t see the blue of the sky, and the trees all look dark and shadowy, as though it were dusk outside, but it’s ten o’clock in the morning. I can’t deal with this anymore, it’s insane. My husband told me that he doesn’t see the darkness, that it’s just my issues that are causing me to see the world in this way. What can I do about it? My medication is supposed to be remedying this, but it’s not. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t do anything, I still feel like I’m disappearing, and I still see everything in dark shadows. I can’t take it anymore.

I don’t know what to do, I just wish my husband were here with me, at the very least, even though when he is here it feels like he is disappearing too! I am losing my mind. I’m losing my ability to think straight when this comes upon me, and I have no control over it. I am losing everything, myself, everything around me, my husband, the whole world, it’s all just disappearing! I’m serious, this is really happening to me. I can’t take it anymore, and he won’t be home for another six hours and forty minutes. The bad voice is telling me I won’t survive that long, and it doesn’t feel like I will. How insane is that?! I feel like I’m barely here, barely breathing, barely touching the keyboard with my fingers, totally detached from everything around me, like I’m in a bubble of darkness.

How I wish my husband had a job that he could do from home, I really can’t stand not being with him right now. I can’t take it anymore! I really can’t! I’m really bloody disappearing! I had a session with my therapist this morning, and he said I’m not disappearing at all, that I’m fully present with him each week, and that I’m totally on top of things logically and otherwise. That’s all well and good, but it doesn’t take away the feeling that I’m disappearing! I’m losing my memories of this morning, it was just two hours ago that we had our session, and I’m already forgetting what we talked about. It’s like everything is slipping away from me, melting away into black nothingness. I’m terrified out of my mind, and I don’t know what to do! My husband told me to get the soccer ball from out in the shed, and move it around with my foot, because I’m moving my foot around any way, and the soccer ball would be a good replacement skill, so I’m not just stimming. I don’t want to get the soccer ball, though, I just want to feel better! I need some relief desperately, and I’m not getting it! What I need is Jesus, and I can’t find Him! I’m at my wit’s end with all of this, and I can’t take it anymore! I really can’t! I’m panicking and my husband won’t be home for another six hours and thirty-five minutes! How in the world can I wait that long? The bad voice is telling me, “You can’t.” I certainly feel like I can’t!

I don’t even know how I’m writing any of this, it feels like it’s all disappearing fast! The bad voice is telling me that I’m going to sink so fast to the deepest depth, which is something that my husband had told me a couple of years ago, and it feels like that’s really happening to me! It feels like nothing is here at all, that I’m disintegrating literally, I feel like I’m disintegrating! This is really happening to me, like I need to hold onto something and there’s nothing to hold onto! I’m barely here! I need my husband here with me! I’m literally falling apart at the seams! It’s not emotional, this is getting physical, this is becoming a literal disintegration! It’s not metaphorical, this is literally happening to me!  People talk about falling apart, but they don’t mean it in a literal sense. Well, this is as literal as it gets! I need help! And I don’t know where to turn for help, who can help with this? My medication is supposed to be helping with this, and it’s not! It’s not doing a bloody thing for me! I’m literally disappearing here! I don’t know how I’m writing this at all, I need my husband! I need my husband and he won’t be home for six and a half hours! I need him to come home now! I will text him and see what can be done, see if he can come home early. There, I texted him. I know it’s really early, but I can’t help it! He’s only been at work for two hours, and I’m already feeling so bloody terrible!

I’m trying to think of what to do to help myself feel grounded, and I can’t think of anything! There are breathing exercises I can do, but when I feel like I’m losing the ability to breathe altogether, it doesn’t help! The bad voice is telling me to stop breathing! Shut up, you stupid bad voice, I’m sick and tired of hearing you! I don’t want to go through this anymore! I can’t take it anymore! I just don’t know what the heck to do anymore. I can’t take this anymore! I need my husband! I’m disappearing! Sorry to be panicking in the middle of a blog post, but I don’t know what else to do! I feel like I’m barely here, that I’m barely breathing! I can’t do anything! I’m going to make myself a bowl of cereal with yogurt, sometimes eating helps me to feel grounded. It’s not helping! I feel like the bowl is disappearing right before my very eyes! Nothing bloody helps! I’m disappearing! Help me! Oh this is so bad, I don’t know what to do! I’m bloody disappearing! That’s why I need my husband here, to hold me and tell me I’m not disappearing, and that I’m safe. The bad voice is telling me I’m not safe anywhere, and it certainly feels that way. For if I’m at home and I feel like I’m disappearing, where else can I be that is safe? If I don’t feel safe at home, where can I feel safe? I am considering taking my Seroquel early. It seems to be the only medication that does anything. I’m disappearing right now! I need help!

I can barely taste the food I’m eating, it feels like I’m not eating it at all! I’m disappearing! Help me, somebody! This can’t be happening to me! I don’t know what to do! There’s nothing I can do! I’m just bloody disappearing! It’s really happening to me, I don’t know what to do about it! I need my husband to be here with me so I can feel safe again! Why does he have to go into work? Why can’t he work from home like so many others do? It’s not fair! This can’t be happening to me! I’m barely here! I’m barely breathing! I don’t know where to turn for help! I pray and pray, and nothing happens! It’s like God isn’t there! My therapist thinks that God is with me, but I have a brain function that’s keeping me from feeling His presence. But I feel like God isn’t there at all, because I wouldn’t be disappearing if God were here. My therapist said without God, we would die, and that’s what I feel is happening to me right now! I feel like I’m dying, and disappearing into death! The bad voice keeps playing this song, “If you fear dying then you’re, then you’re already dead!” I’m eating an apple, trying to feel like I’m still here, it’s such a cute little apple, it makes me sad. Everything makes me sad, because it feels like I’m losing everything, my husband, my life, everything.

The bad voice said I have lost my very soul, which is why this is happening to me. I can’t believe this is happening to me! I need my husband! He will be home in six hours. I can’t wait that long! Somehow I always do, even though I feel like I’m disappearing every day. But it just gets worse and worse, to the point where I might actually disappear! That feels like that point is right now, because I am barely holding on! I can’t wait six hours, I need him to come home now! I can’t deal with this anymore! I’m scared out of my mind and I don’t know what to do! There isn’t anything to do. I just am disappearing, that’s all. The bad voice is saying, “Bye bye,” like it has been for months. This has been going on since about October. I remember Halloween, going out to see the full moon, and feeling the whole time like I was disappearing. It has just gotten worse and worse since then, to this point, where I can’t take it anymore! I literally don’t know what to do! My husband will be home in five hours and fifty-five minutes. I don’t see how I can wait that long! Somehow I always do, even when it feels impossible, like it does right now. I’m heating the water for some green tea. Drinking tea usually helps me feel grounded, but it’s so bad right now, that I don’t think anything will help anymore. I take two Seroquel at night, I’m wondering if I can take one now and one later, instead of taking them both at the same time. Or maybe I should wait and ask the doctor on Thursday if I can do that.

I’ve got laundry in the washer and dryer, two loads, and I’m wondering how I’m going to get it done while I feel like I’m disappearing! Sorry this has been such a long blog post, it’s just a rambling about how I feel like I’m disappearing and don’t know what to do. I will end it here, with saying that I don’t know what to do, and I hope I will somehow make it through this day, though I don’t know how.


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