Im almost 30 and I’m still learning about myself. Dating is super hard because of this. I originally thought that I had to have it all “figured out” & “be fully healed & ready to go!” before looking for a partner. Let alone to start a family. Those first few dates are always brutal & I feel embarrassed that I’m almost 30, still in college, in the middle of switching careers & it’s because of “the grind” that I don’t have much of a social life.. I’m scared to be poor again y’all. That’s it. I grew up poor, in a bad neighborhood & now I make enough to live alone but not enough to live well. So I keep telling myself to grind it out & it’s because of this that I am still single & work a lot because I don’t want my future kids to never not see their parents growing up because they’re working 2-3 jobs to “make ends meet.” So I feel like I’m boring & I have a lot of FOMO in general. I take great care of my physical self, & have had cosmetic surgery so my physical appearance is great. I get complements from strangers all the time. Sometimes it does boost my self esteem but other times I think about how it sucks to “look” great on the outside but feel so empty on the inside.

so yep, I am still learning about myself. After I finish this degree I am planning on freezing my eggs because of my age. I want to travel. I want to enjoy a bit of my success.. I want to feel whole. I want to repair the wounds of being bullied for growing up poor, witnessing parents tell their kids “you see her? She’s from the guetto, don’t hang out with her, she’ll get pregnant just look at her being on the street with all those guys & she’ll have no future,” just to shortly after  deal with the pain of loosing those friendships.. & then going out there to make more friendships & deal with the people closest to me betray me in ways I didn’t see coming.

I fear of finally reaching “success” as the modern feminist movement would call it. The “I ain’t need no man because I’m a bad b****,” & getting there alone. What good does money, and a banging body straight out of the plastic surgeon does when you come home to feel empty inside & feel alone yet afraid to be vulnerable with people because of trust issues? I feel like I’m in a constant survival state. Im a beautiful mess. Body done, with bright red lip stick, eyelash extensions, and high heels. I look like a woman but deep inside sometimes I still feel like that naive 13 year old girl who lost her virginity at a coke party to a guy who would break up with her a week later & deal with his ugly rumors of him complaining over me “not doing anything” & “just standing there” as it happened. Sometimes I feel like screaming to men that my body is not all I have to offer. There’s brains too – as my degrees would prove it – but beyond that – there’s value in just me being myself.

I wake up every day to fight that negative voice in my mind. My body & my brain doesn’t give me value alone. One day I’ll get old & my physical beauty will pass & with it my brain will age as well. My essence as a woman & my spirit will keep shining strong. I was valuable when I was poor, I am valuable now, and I will continue to be valuable as life goes on – with my mistakes & my imperfections.

Some days it’s hard to get out of bed… go to work/school when you don’t want to. It’s even harder to go on dates – repeating my personal story to strangers & open up just for that person to go back to being a stranger after a few dates down the road.. I hold on to hope though. That’s… all that drives me from day to day..

it’s okay to be almost 30 & not have it all figured out.