I came back to DT a week or so ago. I got sidetracked with respinding to friends and a post here and there. Never got around to writing, which was why I come for a visit.
I am not in a good place right now. Unfortunately I am eating as a way of coping. I liked it better when I was so anxious that I could not eat. Sure I felt jittery and all, but at least I was not packing on the pounds. I can't seem to stop eating. Nothing satisfies. So you would think that I would give up eating since nothing works. No, that just means I keep on searching.
Per doctor and therapist (and family) requests, I am trying to stay busy. I have been subbing at the high schools and junior high schools lately. About 2 days a week.to stimulate the mind. I see it as a way to force myself to get dressed and go out of the house. In fact, I have to get moving right now…I have a half day job and still haven't showered and dressed. I haven't had breakfast yet either and was considering stopping at a local diner of a friend's. Haven't seen him in forever. But I doubt I will have time to visit. So why bother.
In this pit I am questioning everything about life. The world is a horrible place, filled with hatred, violence, injustice, greed, corruption. The presidential campaigning here in the USA is a joke. No one offers hope, at least not the ones who are contenders. And the hope that any of them offer is at the expense of others. I do not want to discuss political ideologies. My personal issues are bigger than those for me. I am just trying to stay alive. But, I am seeing that the two major parties are a hoax. They only give an illusion of voice to the common person. It is quite evident that the established old party faithful run it all in some dark back room. Democracy, that's a joke. So, what I believed growing up about this being a free and democratic country is not true. Sure, I have known that the ones with money had influence, but it is worse than I thought. Will we have to have a rebellion or another revolution to set it right? I said I did not want to discuss this and here I am. But I had to set the stage for what is bothering me.
It seems that I cannot reconcilethe "facts" in life with philosophy. I started reading some books as they were assignments in the classes I subbed. Fahrenheit 451 and Night were the first two. Then for some strange reason (well, I know why, but too long to explain) I have started Les Miserables. They are all depressing books telling a story of the horrors of mankind. Sure, there are episodes of joy and triumph, but the message I receive is one of despair and hopelessness. My personality is that if I see an injustice, I want to right it. But the things I have worked on, have always failed. No changes were made. Everything just goes on status quo.
So why do I continue reading Les Mis? I don't know. It is either going to kill me or give me hope. I enjoy intellectual stimulation and am saddened that I never read more classics. So at least I will be able to say I read it in full when I am done (800+ pages). One kid in a class last week told me to just read the cliff notes and say I read the whole thing. I don't want to just say I did it; I want to have accomplished it. And in the process, I hope to find a spark of kindness, promise and hope in the world. Otherwise, I see myself going further into the pit.