I truly have been spiraling. I seriously considered seeing a Christian therapist who is straight, with kids from California. What am I thinking? Where the fuck is my mind at? California is where I received conversion therapy. It’s like: “Hey….. you received a near terminal illness, let’s go back to the source of your trauma.”  

Blame yourself and seek after God through repentance and shame. What did mom say? I did make a choice after all. This is actually my fault. They always knew it was a reality- they were prepared. Almost too prepared come to think of it. Anyways. 

Something I was thinking of last night. My brother came out as gay first. It was then up to me to be straight and have kids. The expectation that I would get married and have children was a real reality. Then, there was an expectation that I would go into ministry and make my parents proud. I think my mom wants a testimony. She keeps texting me about Jesus and the need for me to turn to god.

You know. This is interesting. Last night and today- I’ve been fixated on what Christians think of people with HIV. I’m unclean. I’m receiving the punishment god feels I deserved for my gay lifestyle. I obviously intellectually know that this is untrue but this is what a large part of my family would think of me if they knew I had been diagnosed. It’s a weird feeling.