Hello my friends…

Let me begin by saying that while I honestly have no idea how I found this site, I feel very connected to you and need you… While there's a big part of me that's lazy, I wish that I could download my heart on here to share with you what I'm going through and release feelings, get advice, or just to have said things out loud…

Last time I shared with you about just having found out that my rapid test came back positive, and a week after that, they called and set up the appointment to let me know, in fact, I am positive… I immeadiately told my boyfriend and it has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do… Especially when I wanted us to be married… In the last two weeks, he's been tested twice and both times he's come back negative… While we're not sure who really to believe, one doctor has told us that he could be infected and yet we may not know for 3 – 6 months, and another doctor told me that if he was infected, his body would already be making anti-bodies to fight the infection, and since it's been over 3 weeks since we've had unprotected sex, he's ok… However, I'm still very worried…

For the last three weeks, we've had very little contact… we've barely kissed and even then, it's been little pecks… He's asked me to come and stay the night three times now, and in the past, I'd stay with him at least two night during the week, and plus the entire weekend… In the past, when we went to bed, we both slept in the nude and embracing one another, and we both found it very peaceful and restful… Now, I'm afraid almost of being with him…. When he's asked me to stay the night, I now sleep with clothes on, yet we still hold one another… I'm afraid of being undressed around him… I love him so much and yet I'm afraid that I could infect him, and can't imagine being able to live with that guilt… I find myself almost being afraid to touch him, or better yet allow him to touch me…

BTW… This coming Monday, I get the results from my baseline tests back… If I recall correctly, they said that they'll be able to tell me my viral load and my T-cell count. I'm nervous about the results too from reading how much it damages your body… I'm working at keeping my stress level low and taking it one day at a time… However, that's easier said than done, as I've had to go to my doctor and get Xanax for my anxieities…. Even now, at times I find myself out of control at work and I start shaking and my hands get sweaty… The first week after my rapid test came back positive, I bearly kept it together and one day, I had to leave work early as I just couldn't keep it together…. So, it is getting better….

So, if you're reading this and have experienced some of the same feelings, being positive and dating someone who's negative, then finding out that you're positive, trying to decide where to go from here… Please let me know, I'm so confused…. I love him with all my heart and soul… and I know I can't take it for granted that he'll be here tomorrow…. I can say that for the first 7 months of our dating, I know for sure that he told me 3 times that he loved me… Actions? he demonstrated his love in so many other ways… And since we found out that I tested positive, he's told me over and over just how much he loves me… Yet I still know he's not clear in his own mind where we'll end up in our relationship… I can't force him to decide now, or ever, as if he decides to be with me, I want now as then, I want him to be hopelessly in love with me and want to grow old with me, and not out of pitty… There's been several times, since I've found out, that when we've talked, he doesn't typically talk about me, or my delimna, but us and what we need to do…

Please know, I LOVE Him, but also want to do what's ultimately best for him too… I don't want him infected, ever, plus don't want to lose him… In the past, thinking we were both negative, we were very sexual, so taking it to nothing has been straining at best… I don't want to lose him… Not trying to be vulgar or nasty, but I need help with knowledge, information, and wisdom…