Here it is again. I thought of you and I remember more of what use to be. Somehow I can only piece together small good moments. Because before I use to take so many pictures of us because I didn’t want to forget a single moment. Wanting to hold onto those memories, for something like forever. Some how somewhere they got lost. I think im mourning what we use to be before life changed us into enemies. Well.. Enemies is a strong word.. because I don’t hate you..I still have love for you but im no longer in love with who you are or who you were with me at least.

I mistreated myself for a while. I thought you should know I spent months crying and breaking every week more than 15 times in a week. I drowned myself in drugs and alcohol just to numb the loneliness I felt after I had walked away from you. My only regret was how cold and sad I was when I said goodbye to you. I relive those moments in my head trying to remember how i felt and what caused me to not have any empathy for you… I could see in your eyes the pain you felt knowing you were losing me for real. Knowing you would never have another breakfast, lunch, or dinner with me. Because I thought about that. I thought of all the times how I won’t never have another car ride, sunset, summer, rainy day, shopping together, working on the car together, playing baseball together, trying anything new together is all gone.

For the most part I know you moved on publicly. I know you kissed another lips that arent mine, because I kissed other lips that weren’t yours either. When I did for the first time It hurt my soul because for a long time I was so loyal to you. Kissing another person then another because in a way to erase any memories of loving the way we kissed each other slowly in the car, when we were camping, when we accomplished so many first together, after we screamed at each but always came back.. It hurt a little less and less the more lips touched mine. Sad isn’t it. Because even though I wanted you still I couldnt stand to be with you anymore with the way you made me feel and how you treated me. How could I want someone who misunderstood me so much, who already had an image of me that I was a certain kind of person. That was the part that tore me the most. how you claimed to fight for us but made me hate what we had together, claiming you struggled for us, when I never left your side when we struggled, When you claimed I wouldn’t have sex with you but i didn’t feel the passion when we did so I just laid there..crazy.

The reason I wanted to put this here is because I wish I had closure to say everything I held back from telling you. Because I wonder how different you are today. I wonder if your mind has changed about me, and you can see where and what you said and did that changed our path into swirls, circles, ups and downs. Because you made the decisions because I could barely pull myself out of that black pond of depression to think for myself. Because you were my life jacket. The thing I clinged to when I was drifting in the middle of this huge ocean for days. Starved of love, understanding, care and certainty. I know i was cold to you in the end because of all the built up resentment. Im sorry but i remind myself everyday not to turn back. Not to go back because If i give in for a single second I will hate myself for not knowing I will find one else who will love me even more deeply.

Its our memories and struggles we went thru that keep me from from forgetting you completely. The only thing that keeps me holding on. Loyalty. What a noble yet annoying quality.