I have this urge.It started more than three years ago.I do something to myself so self-destructive.It’s actually the first time I talk about this to anyone except for my friends.If my parents knew I think they would literally have a heart attack,both of them.I won’t say exactly what I did or still have the urge sometimes to do.It’s humiliating and I don’t trust the internet this much.I just need to speak.
I started doing that when I was 13.I think that was when I was at the first low point in my life.I wanted to not think about my life and gain some control any way I could so I did something.I started doing that something every day.To the point that I might not felt like it but I still had to do it.I always continued doing it but after I was finished I always felt so empty and like I was one of the worst people.

Two years ago I stopped for a while and gained the courage to talk about it to my friends.They were shocked but tried to be there for me and understand why I did what I did.A couple months after after I told them I still only did the thing I think only two more times.I felt the same but I thought I was used.I started searching the internet to see if that was true but what I searched wasn’t so general so I found nothing.I asked my friends if I was in a way used and they told me no,that anything I did I chose to do myself.I felt awful about what they said.I didn’t want to accept it.

After that I half-indulged in the urge.Every time my friends asked I lied and told them I didn’t do it anymore.Last year I understood I had a choice really and no one used me,I just wanted to see it that way so I could feel innocent.I really make myself feel so bad.I continued half-indulging.

Now,it’s been a month I think since I haven’t done it but I want to.I feel the need every day and I don’t know how it can go away.I also changed opinions.I don’t think everything was my fault.I’m a way I was used and I just helped get there and didn’t stop.My fault yes,but when you feel like shit you don’t really care for anything.