I have been going through one hell of an ordeal at the moment. But when in my life can I say otherwise. Recently I have realised what it is i really want in my life. but have i made this revalation too late? I was meant to go to an exam the other day, so I could go back to uni, but I burnt my hand making my breakfast hours before the exam, so i was in hospital instead of my exam. now i fear i have missed my chance. I hope I can go back to uni. It is everything I want to do. It is my fault that I didnt get to my exam. It is my fault that i am in this situation anyway. Although there were outside influences from the negitivity of my father and the constant put downs and abuse that lead to my depression. But it is still my fault that I am not in uni at the moment. Just like it was my fault that i am fat. There is no other way to say it, it was my fault – only I put that food in my mouth and ate it, it was only me that stopped me from exercising. Again I blamed things like a bad daily routine because I was living the same day as my other half who only eats junk and never exercises. But it was still my fault. And yes I was comfort eating because of the depression that had formed thanks to my fathers not so sympathetic parenting. which unbelievably still carrys on to this day – just not on a daily basis thank god. So all in all, my life is a mess because of me. I dont have anyone else to blame, just myself. I have no excuse.
But I cannot linger in the past. Whatever was done, whoever did it, whom ever the blame belongs to I cannot focus on it anymore. I have to look forward. Looking forward, I do see a good future. I cannot see what it is i will be doing, where i will be, what i look like, or what I will have. But i can see that I will be happy, especially if I have my boyfriend. When i first started my journey with depression I found buddhism. I still dont know everything about it, what I am meant to do, but I have some of the basics, and it really has saved me. Each day I learn something new about buddhism, I learn something new about me, something that helps me let go of the past. Here is to turning over a new leaf, starting afresh and making the most of my life.
Although I am full of a cold and feeling really ill, I am going to try. I will not wallow in illness, and watch tv all day. I will not loose myself, I will get up and do something. i will make my day count. Even if its just to one person.
thank you all for your support. I know I definitely would not have made it this far without your love and support. Take care lovely DT people, I hope we all find peace.