Prior to this year I had thought myself accustomed to isolation. No job, very little social activity, and a monotonous gray existence punctuated only by the occasional burst of interest in new game; this was my life for many years.
There have been times when I’d get a short break from that, but none more challenging and painful than my latest departure. It was about June that I rekindled an association with a woman I’d met nearly a year prior. She came to me with the following statement.
“So, I am seeking a honest input opinion. I think you could be that person for me. I am really, really struggling right now with a deeply personal hurt, and I would like your particular input, because you would have a unique perspective of things”
As much as I didn’t feel I was really suited to be giving advice, I resolved to try. This began a trend of time spent together over the next five months. If were weren’t engaged in a lengthy conversation we were playing a game, or she’d be streaming shows for us to watch together. It was like I’d stumbled upon my best friend. She also adopted me into her family and invited me over for thanksgiving. She even went as far as feeling out my opinion on the notion of soulmates, and suggesting that we were such. I guess you could say I was on cloud nine. Never before had I known such absolute acceptance and love.
Of course reading that you may think this was something romantic in nature. Well, no. Truth be told, this woman could rip me asunder. Her standards and expectations would be impossibly high for me, so we contented ourselves with the bond we had.
During this time I made efforts to be sure that I wasn’t going to suffocate her. The level of communication and attention I bring to the table could be overwhelming for some, but she assured me that I was completely fine. Strange then that it should change later. Somewhere in October things went wrong, though I can scarce pinpoint what it was that started it. Suddenly I was considered not only to be possessive of her time and attention, but also like I expected to be informed of everything she did, subject to my judgement.
The dream turned nightmare. No matter how I tried to clear up misconceptions and right wrongs, there was just no shaking it. She began to put distance between us bit by bit, and I watched as she moved on, replacing me with someone else. I had a few brief months of absolute happiness, but I built a house of cards around one person, and now I’m paying for it.
Having tasted everything I longed for and then seeing it pulled out from under me like a rug, my emotional state has plunged nearly as low as it could go. I’ve been a frequent caller to crisis lines, and until recently was still contemplating suicide. I’m fighting every moment to keep my head above water. Coming here to this community was a desperate attempt at finding kindred spirits, hoping that someone out there could relate to my struggle. I thought, “If only there were others who share my pain, we may still be broken, but we could be broken together”. If there are any of you out there reading this and you’re tired of being alone in your struggle, I implore you to make contact. We can either stew alone in our misery, being crushed by the weight of isolation, or we can reach out to one another. We don’t have to be alone.
