Well here it goes. I am a 23 year old that has alot of issues internally. By internally I mean mentally. I suffer from anxiety, or atleast thats what I think it is. I have incredibly low self esteem even though people tell me how cute I am and how skinny I am and blah blah blah. I don't see it, I was a chubby kid and usually my face was broke out and I was such a tomboy when I was younger I never really cared, or so I thought. My sister was always the pretty one in my eyes, my younger brother definetly the athletic one, and I was smart…thats it. When I was in high school I met the love of my life, he is the most amazing person and I truly believe we were created for each other. He always knows exactly what to say and knows I have confidence issues and is constantly reminding me how beautiful and how perfect I am for him. But somehow it doesn't make me feel any better about myself, for more than the moment he says it. Wesplit up for 2 years after high school, I felt like I needed to be young (mostly I was just dumb in those 2 years)but I did grow fromthe time apart. I learned what it means to truly love someone and be loved back, and I learned thatnot everyone that says they areyour friendreally is. We both dated other people during that time and since we have been back together I am actually pretty goodfriends with his ex. Awkward I know….and really it is sometimes. See when I am in asocial setting I become adifferent person. I am the funny, cute girl that always has something quirky to say.I am the girl everyone goes to with their problems and everyone trusts. But when I'm alone, with my thoughts, thats when the "darkside" of me comes out. I think about how ugly I am and I don't understand why anyone would like me. I have alot of terrible habbits…I honestly think I was born with an addictive personality. For example I started biting my nails when I was 12, just decided one day that I was gonna see why people did it and boom…11 years later still do it. I smoke cigarettes, pick at my face and even my scalp, and am struggling right now to quit smoking pot. This is honestly one of the things I hate most about myself. I don't understand why I'm not strong enough to quit. The picking is something I do as a nervous habit, if i'm at home watching tv by myself or even with my boyfriend I secretly pick my scabs and even when I tell myself I have got to stop its like my body just does it automatically. And i am constantly worried about how I look. On an average day I probably look at myself in the mirror 50+ times. I'm just unhappy with who I am. I am jealous of every pretty girl I see, even on tv. The thing I don't understand is I am so in love with the most perfect man and I know he feels the same about me…..but why can't I love myself????


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