I really hate being a recluse. I always thought that solitude was a place where I could understand myself, but instead, at least for me, I’ve just become all the more confused. I no longer know what’s keeping me from going out once in a while or if it’s a combination of things. But the bottom line is that even though I know intellectually that I’m able to leave the house and go places, I never feel like I’m allowed to. I always feel like I need some sort of validation. Even at 23, I still feel like a child under the close surveillance of his parents, despite being told repeatedly that I’m allowed to go out anytime I wish.
Before this year, my life consisted of just going to school everyday and then coming home. I just went to school to go to class. It was as if I only went to school because it was a ritual that I was used to. I didn’t even really pay attention in the lessons, I just went to the classes because I’d become such a creature of habit. A creature of habit who had lost sight of old dreams. And now, this time, I don’t have any class schedule to follow, nothing pressuring me to leave my home, and I’ve just become a recluse. I’ve just become unwilling to leave right now. Even though I want to go out more, I have nothing motivating me.
I’ve just lost interest in everything career-wise, and now I can’t stop obsessing about forming an intimate relationship with another person. But as I said before, there’s no guarantee of getting that unless I live life more spontaneously. Ideally, I’d much rather meet someone online (maybe even out of the state) and start the relationship that way, and then I’d have an ambition to look forward to. We’d eventually meet in person and then the relationship would go to the next level.
I’ve just become so afraid of everything. I don’t know what’s happened to me. As shy as I’ve always been in taking the initiative of relating to others when I had the conscious desire to talk to the person, I’ve become even more shy of even sending a request to a person on a social networking site. I really just wish I could get out of this fucking hole. It’s swallowing me.
