So… life isn't good… but I'm alive. That's something, right?
Let's see… the last you heard from me I was still alive and coping. That's not changed. I've been dealing with a lot of stuff… family, work, and lonliness all knock me down. I keep getting up, but each time it's a little bit tougher. My skin doesn't seem to be any thicker for it either. Each time I promise myself that I'll handle things better… that I'll not cry, or that I'll just shrug it off. That doesn't happen much.
It's a hard thing… dealing with life.
Dealing with being perky and happy and fake and care free at work. Allowing stupidity to happen around me and still take it in stride. Being able to just not worry that things get messed up… that even though I'm not the one personally screwing things up it's somehow ok. It's not… and I try to make them understand that doing a good job that exceeds what people expect is the right way to go… doesn't always work. A stressful event is coming up… my 'yearly/annual review'. and if that's not enough, I've two weeks to train hard and then my boss is planning on leaving me 'in charge' to manage the site for two days. I'm trying to remain calm, but I am really nervous about it.
Family… dealing with all of the feelings that I'm having when it comes to my parents and siblings and the siblings significant others… it's tough. I'm tired of pretending with them… and I've shown a few different times that how they treat me, and how they carelessly move about their lives is hurtful… but they still don't always understand. I had a bit of a breakthrough with my younger sister yesterday… well two days ago. I cried… my brother and his wife saw me… my younger sister saw me… and she got frustrated. There was a lack of communication… and when she came to talk to me a few hours after the incident, I had been giving the cold shoulder… she touched my foot (because I was laying on the bed) and she started to cry and tell me that she didn't like to see me hurt… and didn't like knowing she was the cause of it. I felt so guilty! Which wasn't right. I got up and gave her a hug and started crying as well. I told her we just needed to communicate better, and that the siblings as a whole needed to remember that I want to be included. I feel like I'm left out all the time… that I get forgotten… It sucks.
Life just… sucks. I've come to hate the holidays. I just want to get them over with. I want to get passed the next few months, skip my birthday and valentines day and be into March. Just forget they had to happen. It's sad. I loved the season. I put so much effort into decorating outside… I put all the lights up… almost by myself this year. Climbing up ladders and in trees, and just… making it as pretty as possible… and I know once the snow comes I'll be happy to see it… but it's just such a let down. I've no one to share the season with… no one to just have around… and it makes me sad. I'm not talking about a boyfriend… just a friend. Some group of people who I can be comfortable around… who will go shopping with me… or who can bitch about the whole family aspect with. I want people… I need them.
I'm just sad. Sad and Lonely and coping as always. And the worst part is is that I've shut down… I've found myself closing myself off to so many people. I want to find my niche, but it doesn't help that I continually show this serious side… and I put up walls when people try to get close. I won't ever find people who want me around if I can't allow them in… take a risk, find a level of trust… I will be alone and it will be entirely my fault.