still waiting on the letter, so i still don't really know what is going on. its very fustrating but all i can do it wait, my therapist has a lot of patients. school starts for me on tuesday so that should take my mind off things. right now i am in absoute hell……. the unwanted images in my head have become worse. i don't want them there. the thoughts have gotten better but the image thoughts have gotten worse. i want to just crawl into a dark corner and just cry until this goes away. i can't stand being touched by other people. i want to just freckin pull my hair out when i have one of those horrific thoughts. i hate them!!!! i hate them!!!! i hate them!!!! i want them to go away!!!!!! my body is weird now and it is scarying the crap out of me and is making the ocd so much more worse and my anxiety is through the roof. i don't know what is wrong with me i can't find anyone else with the same problem. i can't get comfortable i feel so uncomfortably ticklish inside mainly my hands feet stomach and one other area. the stomach sometimes gets so bad i just want to be sick or i will end up coughing violently to make it go away. i can't sit comfortably i sit in a seat and i am constantly moving. i can't sit still i am always moving. school this semester is NOT going to be fun if this keeps up. and of course this all happens when my therapist vanishes and i have NO idea why. nor do i have any desire to find a new therapist and start over at least at the moment. 4 years i was with her. there was a level of trust there that is NOT easily obtained with me and it took her 2 years to get to that point for me to actually open up completely to let down my walls and let someone in. i don't trust anyone completely, except for her. i have been back stabbed too many times for me to trust people. also yet another reason why i am single what is the point in a relationship if you can't trust your signficant other. there is none. i hate this. i am angry i am scared, i am frecking out, i am sad, i am worried. i am pretty much falling to pieces. so here i am hiding behind emotional walls again and the walls of my isloated small town. i don't want to be found i just want to be alone. i really really hate my life right now.  geez i am so pathetic for thinking that. i have it made i just have some health problems but i am so much better off than a lot of people. and i hate the fact that i feel that i hate my life. i do but i hate myself for it. i know what is it like to go hungry and have no permament roof over your head having to choose between bills and such. i know! i don't live like that anymore i have a full stomach i have money in the bank and all my bills are paid and i have a running working car not to mention i have a permament place to live. but i still hate my life because of the crap inside my head. pathetic. i am even more of a spoiled rotten brat than i thought….


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