While I was browsing some Social Service Worker job, a thought hit me, and hit me hard.

I had read the job description for working with 'Big Brothers Big Sisters', and I have the diploma for it. Problem is, it requires 'valid transportation'. I only have the first class of my licence – "g1". Class goes like this: G1, G2, then full G. But that wasn't what bothered me so much. I can try to drive. I can fix this problem.

What made my stomach squirm is the idea that I don't think I can correctly do any job, without supervision. I had read through some of the job requirements; "Need to be able to multitask." (I can only pay attention to one thing at a time!) "Need to be able to be track of clients, and do follow up to your case loads." That sounds very difficult. I've never been good at planning things, I can hardly plan my own birthday! It's been like this since I was younger. I HATE letting people down, too.

Perhaps it's my laziness. I've always considered myself generally lazy. I don't know if it's because I always feel overwhelmed in general, or because I'm scared because I'm ALWAYS worried if people will judge me, or … what. I can never pay attention to things long enough before they start to bore me, too. I was diagonosed with ADD but the doctor said she wasn't sure if it was just my OCD causing me to display symptons of ADD.

The fear of responsibility astounds me! I have a seasonal job, and it's the only job I didn't get humilated in. I don't know how I even kept myself from getting fired. They even promoted me to a 'supervisor' which went horrible last year! I stink at cash, (well, at balancing the tills), I was always good at cash. I suck at math. But the longer I stay at this seasonal job, the more responsibility they're going to make me have. And last year, some of the girls …well, some of the power hungry ones squashed me. One girl even quit because she thought I had rolled my eyes at her when she asked me to go on till and do cash! I some how displayed leadership qualities without meaning to. I mean, I consider everyone to be a team, but I got judged horribly.

In my past, my jobs consisted of : babysitting. Which I did well.

Zehrs: A food Grocery store where I was a cashier. I got overwhelmed on my first week, my manager said I was 'special', and then told me to 'self terminate' my employment position because I wasn't catching on fast enough. I had made a lot of friends and enjoyed the work, but I had failed and got fired.

Beacon: A restaurant where I was a hostess. The boss said I spoke to the staff to me (which wasn't true, the girls hated me there, it was a customer who kept talking with me), and he fired me without telling me. Sometimes, if a lot of customers got there, I felt overwhelmed! (The reason was because the restaurant over looked the lake, so people never want to sit on the inside seats).

My placement at Women's Detox: I worked at a Women's Detox and the old lady who was my manager fired me the month before I was supposed to graduate! She gave me no warning. She never discussed or monitored me. She regarded my anxiety, but she didn't want to work with me to help.

I hurt of these failures really gets my stomach to squirm. It makes me feel helpless. I know that I'm not helpless. But there hasn't been one job which I have which made me happy, which didn't make me feel like I was going to throw up. I can't stop caring about screwing things up and hurting the whole job, or about people's perceptions on my intelligence. Everything is muddled.

I haven't applied to any other jobs outside of the Social Service Worker field because I'm comfortable going back to the crappy seasonal job.

I feel stuck and I know it's gotta change. But right now, I don't know where to go and if I even have the money for it. I told my boyfriend that if I didn't live with him, I'd probably be on the streets because of my fear. And I'm even fearing people judging me while I wait! I'm on Unemployment Insurance. I bet people wonder why I'm not applying to other jobs and think that I'm just being lazy. I don't want to be judged but I'm really scared. I don't know why I even care so much.

Ugh…it's a never ending circle.


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