I guess i should start this with the embarrasing truth, yes, i'm 36 and live at home with mom; 'nough said, long story.  But on top of that, i spend much of my time when i'm at home stifling urges so no one sees anything.  then when i'm alone, they bust out & i lose hours cleaning, organizing or just thinking about things i could be cleaning/organizing.  when i finish cleaning, it feels great for all of about 10 minutes, then i start noticing all of the dust that has begun to settle back down on what i just cleaned.  that has to be one of the most irritating things.

i told my mom about the ocd soon after being diagnosed over  a year ago.  she didn't really react and in fact if i recall, said something along the lines of "it makes sense"… that was the lst time it was spoken.  perhaps she's waiting on me to initiate, i don't know, but it kind of feels like she doesn't care.  or maybe the fact that i hide most of it from her, she doesn't realize its impact.  i mean from her perspective, it kind of serves her needs… i keep a very clean house  🙂 

i wonder sometimes if i just let them out, if they would die off – that the stiffling is like a lid on a boiling pot of water… if i just take the lid off, the boiling recedes and simmers.  as as often as i think that, i am thrust into the reality of how fragile keeping it together is… that just changing one small inconsequential thing in my morning routine, like this morning, i put the left sock on first (then the right, then the left shoe, then right shoe – usually its right to left), and the day just never seemed to be in control.  

maybe the reason i'm so tired all the time is the wasted energy used to hold back such an intense force…