I am so sick to death of my circumstances. That I keep myself in this wallowing place of dispair. I can see all the good things that can come my way, but I am so afraid. I am afraid to trust myself. It's a very frustrating way to live. I hate it so much. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. That isn't what is bothering me.

It's my lack of committment to anything. I get so afraid. I can do things, lots of things. But the problem is I don't do them. Not because I'm afraid of being anxious, but because I'm afraid of being disappointed. You ever do something slightly different than you would do as part of your normal daily routine, only for it to never be what you expected?

I talk in riddles, I do that on purpose. Maybe I'm afraid to take responbility for it. If I don't pinpoint it, I can continue to avoid it. It's just there, but if I ignore it, I can pretend for awhile long it doesn't exist.

It takes a lot of hard work to be happy. It's the failing that I'm afraid of. I'm trying believe me, but its just not enough anymore. I want to be everything I can be and I don't want to devalue myself for anything.

I just want to sit and be content with who I am and stop trying to please others perception of me. It's not even their perception, its my perception being filtered through others eyes. I question if I really know what is best for myself.

Do I really? Of course.

I read that as I writer, you should never ask a question, but if you do, make sure to answer it. I do that. I want to write. Just afraid of not being any good at it. What if once I become committed to it, the dream goes away and the reality is that I will never become good at it.

Yes, I've worked on learning how to become a writer, how to live the life of one. But those are their words, their way of living not mine. Nothing is right for me. I know I don't believe in myself. Not as I should. Why is it so hard to do that?

I don't need anyone to tell me good qualities about myself. I need to recognize them, but as real qualities. Not something I try to pinpoint to make myself a little less sorry for myself. That's a cope out.

I have to try. I have to pour everything I have, all my will into what I want. Only than will I be content or satisfied.

I'm tired of reading or losing myself movies, none of them belong to me. It's like watching television or sitting in front of the computer for hours on end, like I do. You let something else do the living for you. Because you deem it too hard to even try to be happy.

That is my understanding from my own experiences.