When I was cutting myself and was even more deeply depressed then I am now, I decided to write in a journal. I just thought I would share some of my journal entries. That is if you have the time to read them lol.
I need to do something about this. I can't keep it in anymore. I got this journal last night after practice, told my mom it was for my Lit & Comp class. Even if no one will read any of this I feel like it may help figure myself out because I am done living like this. I am starting to not care anymore, I don’t care what people think of me, I don’t care if I have any friend, and I'm even not caring if I lose friends.
I plan to write in there everyday, write new thoughts to help figure myself out, how I acted that day, and just overall what happened that that. I may write in more than once a day and that’s good because I must be thinking more and that will help me figure things out. I also want to write about things that have happened in the past because that I believe has a lot to do with it. Write about certain feelings and events I remember impacted me in the past. I may write about that later after I make my $15 walking the dogs.
But today hasn’t gone well at all. I got bummy in the car going to school this morning. I was texting Cass so I guess it wasn’t a shocker. I don’t think she’s being 100% honest with me but that’s ok because I think I can tell. I’m trying not to get her involved in my issues and that’s actually the number one reason why I am writing this journal, so I can talk about it in this journal and not to her. She is very busy with school and I don’t want to bother her. I think I’, still going to try to be friends with her, but its getting dangerously close. I understand it’s not her fault, that’s just the way she is, but I can’t take it anymore. I think it would do both of us good it we just hated each other or never met.
I have so much to talk about, mostly about Cass, more than I care to admit even to myself. I think about her everyday. Why? I’m not gay and I know that for a fact. But my issues with shyness and depression has gotten worse because of her. That upsets me and that’s what I want to change. It seems stupid because I know she doesn’t care or understand and she has no idea that I’m going through. No one does. I feel like this is the worst thing ever and I know I make a big deal out of it. I think I do know why, I’m looking for sympathy, if I act like poor me people will pay attention to me, like it’s the only way they will pay attention to me. Its scary that I know this and yet I keep doing it. I think Cass knows I am acting like that I little bit, but I don’t know. I have no one to talk to and she is the only one that I seem to fall for and want to talk about my feeling with. That’s why I want to talk to someone, a life coach, so I can talk about how I feel and mostly talk about Cass and hopefully she will help me overcome her or at least forget about her.
I haven’t gotten up the nerve to tell anyone how I feel about Cass. How I think about her everyday. I almost told my mom last night after practice, I told her that she ruins me. She didn’t understand so I left it like that. I’ve thought about telling Cass herself but I think she would just get the wrong impression and it would just be me bothering her again. I am saving my feeling about her for the life coach. I am just dying to talk to her, I am looking forward to the help.
OK, I think I’ve written enough for now but it’s Alg2 support so I figured I had the time. I’ll talk about what happened this morning this morning and last night later. P.S. I feel better now.
Spanish is so easy, I got the time. Practice was fun last night. There were 5 or 6 girls missing so it made it easier for me. And I got bummy on the car ride home because I had to miss off ice again. I don’t want the coach and the girls to think poorly of me. I got talking to my mom about it. Later when I got home I thought I’d text Cass because I had a question. I asked if I come off as anti-social around the girls. I knew the answer was yeah even if she lied and said no. If its so obvious that she needs to say something. But the reason I gave her to why I act like that is because I get very uncomfortable in the locker rooms. If feels overwhelming, like everyone is watching me. Its hard to explain but I get kind of sick and nauseous.
This morning a asked her if she avoids me because I act like that. I don’t know that question still troubles me because I think she must even though she said she doesn’t. All the girls must.
This happens every time I text her, We didn’t even talk about anything and I’m already upset. She doesn’t care about me, she doesn’t want to talk to me. I’m done I can’t handle this anymore. Even if that the case or not I keep bothering her and its annoying her, I need to stop. I don’t know if I should tell her in person or through text. If I get her to not want to be friends with me maybe I’ll back off then and leave her alone. Just until I get help from the life coach and then I’ll tell her I had to, to help myself and her.
Sometimes I wish I would have never of met her. And in the long run I think that would have been better. I just need to forget about her. I can get along great with some of the other girls; Claire, Justine, Sarah… I don’t need to be close to Cass. How can I overcome that though? What would make me not want to talk to her? I’ll try hitting her hard and leaving it as that. Maybe I’ll not want to talk to her because of what I said. “ I wish I never would of met you sometimes…”