Ok… Firstly… I'm cold… my fingers are so cold right now that when I put my cheap little mood ring on it changes from it's constant black state to a green and then orange looking color.  I'm cold… and a little pissed off… A weird combinatin… but… I'm weird.

So.  I got an email on Valentine's day from the guy who came up here last fall.  It surprised me… and instead of just ignoring it like I had done to the few IM messages he sent since the fallout in October/November I replied.  I was a smartass and almost instantly regretted it after I hit the sent button. 

Honestly… I was ignoring anyone and everyone online for that day because I didn't want to deal with anyone.  I didn't want to deal with the day itself… Having to see and be around 2 out of 3 of my siblings and their significant others was more than enough for me.  I really would have rather just curled up in bed and stayed there all damn day.  I hate holidays…. I hate how in this society if you are single it is always thrust in your face that you are alone… especially during holidays like this past Thursday.

So.  I've mailed him back twice now… To replies… two smartass comments… and he sends me a message with the following subject line, 'works for both of us.'  And in the email are two links to the following images.

Now… My first impression after only viewing the second image, because I didn't see the link to the first one, was to sound off.  To send an email that pretty much said, 'Fuck You.'  And then as I was sounding off… drafting out the email I noticed the first link and took a look at it.

I'm… pissed.

Because what I'm seeing… is that firstly… he either has an account here… or he watches the blogs page to see if I post on here.  I don't remember giving him the link to this site… but anything's possible when you are trying to get closer to a friend and explain why meeting them is so damn tough.  Believe me… If I made the mistake before I've not done it again… if I tell anyone I have anxiety I just tell them I found a site but I never give the address or my current nickname here… which I don't use anywhere else.  When I received that message on Valentine's day it crossed my mind that he had seen the blog posting here… and wanted to cheer me up, or something, and sent me email.

And after seeing that first image above… it makes me wonder even more so if he did.

I know… I'm paranoid at best… but still… I believe whole heartedly that people who fuck with you initially don't just come around without having some reason for it.  I don't trust people… And considering where he left me last fall… I know there is no way I can just blindly trust anything he will say.

So.  What the fuck does he want me to do with the above images… and what does he really think any of this is going to accomplish but pissing me off? 

He left Minnesota… he stopped calling… he stopped chatting… and he started ignoring my messages.  And when he did reply to my messages… it was to say something along the lines that I had made up my mind and if I wanted to talk I could find him. 

And if he was pissed because less than 4 weeks after he left I didn't just go trapsing down to Texas to help out with a gig he had going on he really didn't listen when I said that I had no money, and I wasn't comfortable driving or flying down there by myself.  And again… I COULDN'T AFFORD IT. 

Is it any wonder that I'm weary as hell of him?

I just am stuck… I don't give a shit if he can read my blogs… I will email him back when I'm good and fucking ready… Honestly… if he does read this maybe it will give insight.  I have no fucking clue what to say… I'm just at this loss of words for the whole situation… And I'm pissed that he thinks he has some right to be bitter or angry with how everything fell out last fall. 

Ok… I'm done.  I just needed to babble that all out… because now I'm stuck wondering what to do… and I'm giving it a day before I do a damn thing anyways.  I want to think this out.

Oh, and the first image… I'm not going to end up in a hospital…. if that's what he is assuming.  Looney bin maybe… but I'm not going to kill myself.  His assuming that that image represents us is astounding… He may think he was being nice and trying to tell me how great and wonderful I am when he was here… but he obviously didn't think much of me when he stopped talking to me.  It's fucking backhanded to tell a person how worthwhile they are and how amazing of a friend they are to then turn around after less than a week and stop talking to them.  If I was this wonderful person despite my flaws… why would he stop talking to me?