Today was honestly incredibly rough for me. I think that I’m going through the process of understanding the end of my relationship and I just can’t understand why she left and hurt me so much. She actively pushed me away during our time together, opting to send time with another guy. I feel so betrayed. She was someone that I really opened up to, now I feel like she is only friends with me because we share a common friend group. I’ve come to grips with the fact that the relationship itself was so toxic for me. I mean, I couldn’t stop imagining that she was more into these other guys that she talked to than me, even when she told me otherwise. I think I fucked up, but at the same time I feel like she pushed me away at the point when I was most vulnerable. I’m broken. I thought that I had gotten over it fast; that I could be chill about it and we could remain great friends, which was our plan. I still want to do that, but I think it’s gonna take a lot of time. When I’m with her, I feel like we’re still dating- like I still have feelings for her. It’s only when I’m away from her that I remember how hurtful her actions were and how damaging they ended up being to my mental health. I still love her, but really as a friend now. That’s how I want it to be. I need to get to the root of this anxiety issue before it takes me over. Hopefully venting here will help me think deeper about the meaning behind all of this.

Why don’t I put off studying for tomorrow’s math test for 15 minutes and write a bit.

I feel hollow. Crying helped me feel something earlier, but I can’t stay in the condition that I’m in. I need to grow. Progression and moving on is key, or something like that. Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I’ve been overreacting and that’s why the relationship ended. Am I gaslighting myself? I have no idea. I need to calm down. I think that I’m obscuring the relationship inside my own head. We dated for what, 10 months? I mean we weren’t that serious. Honestly, most of the stuff we did was basically as friends anyways. Aside from the kissing and arm-holding, we can have the exact same relationship that we once had. That’s what I want. I feel selfish, though. That in that situation I would get what I want, but she doesn’t. At least, that’s what I imagine she wants. I really can’t tell. One thing I do know though: neither myself nor her are mature enough to sustain a full time relationship. She wasn’t able to understand my feelings and emotions and I wasn’t able to see that she doesn’t only want to hang out with me. It’s mutual; both of us need a break from dating.

I think I’m good now. This was helpful, just getting all the facts out there. Made me analyze what really happened. Neither one of us was at fault, we just drifted due to our differing personalities. I don’t love her like I once did, and neither she to me. We both messed up. In a perfect world where we were both in tune with what the other was thinking, I think we would’ve lasted for a long, long time. But that’s just not realistic. It doesn’t mean we can’t be friends- we just don’t work out romantically. That’s all. I really hope that all gets well for me. If I stop posting here, assume that it’s because my mental state has improved. See ya.