Friday, September the 15, 2023 ; 12:08PM

This morning i was the cause to another fight. I asked BP to order me a pizza yesterday night from his card and that id pay cash due to the pizzeria not allowing cash deliveries. This morning as he went out for his haircut , he asked me if i could give him cash for the pizza. I don\’t mind paying him back at all its just that i would need to break a 100$ bill i had in my savings that my mom gave me a while ago – this 100$ bill Ive been clutching to has been somewhat of a part of my mom ? IDK how else to explain but as if i need to always have that bill to be able to grow my savings and its been the ONLY thing i could keep consistent in my life.

Anyways, i fussed about it because i didn\’t want to resort to touching it. Not until i have my entire goal, if i had a smaller bill in the savings i would have given it but the case was that i didn\’t not want to resort touching that large bill.

So he walked out and said it was \”…fine and okay\” repeating over and over as i tried to give him a response. I had 20$ set aside on the table but he wanted 30$, i still had to break the bill , i was even considering him using my card to take out the money!

I had just woken up , i was sitting up in bed as this all happened. I didn\’t have the time to think i even ran on to the porch to give him the bill so he could break it – and i could break my consistence. All in the name of making sure we were good.

However, as I threw that rope for him to grasp – to fix us and this stupid fight, he just walked away .

I shouted at him from the porch to come back, he was a house down already and he just waved his left arm in the air and said \”nah im good\”  shouting back in the distance.

I am the Cancer of this relationship.

I hate myself , i just want a place to vent , for no one to judge me for what i am about to say. Or anything i wrote above.

I want to die sometimes , maybe like 4 out of 7 of the days of the week. Most weeks its 5 days of 7 days that i just cant bear to feel anything other than pain and disgust for myself.

I look at myself in the mirror but i feel like im still the same fat piece of sht i was in December 2022. For reference, i used to weigh 200 lbs but now im down to 160lbs.

I don\’t feel like whatever other people say at work, i feel like i still look fat . i want to weigh 120lbs and when i reach that goal ill feel more content , i tell myself that ill feel happy as i see that number because numbers don\’t lie to us.

I feel like a burden , its hard to stay consistent and to stay positive while im trying to hld on to myself and my relationship at the same time.

I feel like such a burden to him, i want him so badly so deeply and it hurts me to see him put so little effort into my being that it makes me realize that i have to commit to myself. I support and love him unconditionally, but i know that he gets angry easily and will not see the issue as a whole until hes done being pressed up so close to the whole thing about a small detail that he wont see reality until i break it down when we talk

there is however no cure to my insanity, to my mind as they say … i am the one who needs to change.

I am the root of this damage , eating away like a cancer.

I am rotting what once was full of life

Withering away the things in my heart that cannot come back to life

desires that had vivid colors in my mind,

are now stored and locked away

i dont want anything anymore i just want to end my life

the burning within my flesh consumes me ,

i can feel my veins ache.

ive given up on everything .