So much for a good start to the new year. Yesterday, I had a huge argument with my mum. I'd been awake less than 3 minutes when she stormed into my room, started having a go at me about not having any money, not having a job etc. She called me lazy, said that I wasn't trying (never-mind the fact that I have applied for what must be getting on for 200 jobs in the last few months now). She said depression was a load of crap, and that I should just 'get over it'. At that point, I snapped. I packed my bags, and I walked out. I drove an hour to a friends place, and sat in my car for 5 hours waiting for him to finish work. I have had no contact with either my mother or my father since, despite my father leaving me numerous messages to get in touch. I just don't know what to say. I have just had a conversation with my sister, who told me apparently my mother is worried that I may have killed myself. Funny that, because yesterday she didn't believe I was depressed, let alone when I said I felt suicidal alot of the time she said I was being melodramatic. It's like no matter what I do, I cannot win. I have always been the black sheep of the family, the invisible one, the one whose achievements go unnoticed but whose failures are focused upon. I'm tired of trying to prove that I am worth something, when all they do is shoot me down again and remind me of my past failings. I am just so so tired of trying to be a better person when it is clear that the people in my family will never see me for anything but what they already see.
It is time to walk away. Time to move on, because if I continue to live like this, I will only continue to be dragged down by the very people who should be pulling me up when things are bad.
It's a lonely feeling, and it makes me very afraid and sad inside that the people with whom I share my blood do not and will not take the time to ever get to know me.
I wish it didn't hurt so much, I'm stronger than this.