So much for a good start to the new year. Yesterday, I had a huge argument with my mum. I'd been awake less than 3 minutes when she stormed into my room, started having a go at me about not having any money, not having a job etc. She called me lazy, said that I wasn't trying (never-mind the fact that I have applied for what must be getting on for 200 jobs in the last few months now). She said depression was a load of crap, and that I should just 'get over it'. At that point, I snapped. I packed my bags, and I walked out. I drove an hour to a friends place, and sat in my car for 5 hours waiting for him to finish work. I have had no contact with either my mother or my father since, despite my father leaving me numerous messages to get in touch. I just don't know what to say. I have just had a conversation with my sister, who told me apparently my mother is worried that I may have killed myself. Funny that, because yesterday she didn't believe I was depressed, let alone when I said I felt suicidal alot of the time she said I was being melodramatic. It's like no matter what I do, I cannot win. I have always been the black sheep of the family, the invisible one, the one whose achievements go unnoticed but whose failures are focused upon. I'm tired of trying to prove that I am worth something, when all they do is shoot me down again and remind me of my past failings. I am just so so tired of trying to be a better person when it is clear that the people in my family will never see me for anything but what they already see.

It is time to walk away. Time to move on, because if I continue to live like this, I will only continue to be dragged down by the very people who should be pulling me up when things are bad.

It's a lonely feeling, and it makes me very afraid and sad inside that the people with whom I share my blood do not and will not take the time to ever get to know me.

I wish it didn't hurt so much, I'm stronger than this.

3 Comments
  1. Dancer 10 years ago

     

    (((((silent)))))

    remember you are not alone..you have friends here who do care and understand.

    emotional pain is the worst kind of pain and esp when you have family who judge you and dont get it…believe me i know…

    you must take care of yourself  and hold onto that brightness cos it will get you through this ((hugs))

     

     

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  2. xungan 10 years ago

     Silent, sorry to hear you are going through difficult times…

    No matter how strong you are, it is normal to hurt when those that Love you let you down and push you away.  Your comment says it all that you definitely do not need to prove anything to them, as they should love you unconditionally.

    You have to love yourself for who you are and ultimately you are the mistress of your own world.  No one else knows you as well as you are.

    The only thing I would say is that don't burn any bridges, as while they don't understand today, it appears they haven't written you off.  I'd get in touch with your family at some point when you are ready, and give them your honest feelings and go from there.  Make it a clean break is all, as once again, need to take care of you, but no regrets going forward.

    Good luck with everything and huzzah to you for knowing when to say when. 

    Cheers.

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  3. ancientgeekcrone 10 years ago

    I am sorry you find yourself in such a situation. Nevertheless, I feel that being out on your own in a seperated dwelling, will give everyone more breathing and recovery space and with this maybe there will be more positive swupport forthcoming. Do not forger that depression takes all the air out of a place and seems to seep into each individual that shares that space (depression contgion). More individuated space make be a win-win situation for you and your family. In the meatime, seek your support from where it is freely given.

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