4/30 & 5/1I just had a revelation as I felt myself getting anxious and a bit sad that the painter, Steve Higgins, (also a member of church) was leaving. My attachments started early on. I flashed back to something and I’m still trying to process it all so that it may make sense or I may come up with at least something from it. My dad had a surgery when I was a kid (I have no clue how old I was..maybe 11 or 12) and he had a nurse that would come over every day for a couple weeks. I don’t think I really talked to her much. Or maybe I did. I honestly don’t remember. However, I remember getting very upset when she didn’t need to come any longer. I remember dreading the day and being extremely upset for days. I drew a picture of her, which I still may have in one of my drawers. Thinking back to it now, I think perhaps Dr. Patton may have told me to draw a picture of her. I’m sure she’s crossed my mind over the years, but I don’t think it affected me the way it did today when I flashed on it. Expect worrying that my parents were going to die and making them promise me every night that they wouldn’t, this is the first recollection I have of feeling the negative effects of attachment. Over the years, there have been 10 or so other people that I have felt this with.Maybe there is nothing to connect it back to. Maybe this is just who I am. Maybe this is who I will always be. I can’t accept it though, because it hurts like hell and drives me utterly insane. I don’t know how to change it though, so I’m in quite the predicament. A large part of life is about the attachments we make while we are here, and when the attachments we make feel unhealthy and hurt us, it puts a big damper on the quality of our lives. It is so hard to find the right words to articulate how it all feels. While you are with that person, you feel safe and understood and when you are left to your own defenses, in the absence of them, every hurt and obsession you have is multiplied. You feel like you can’t make it without that person, when consciously you know they can’t save you or prevent you from doing anything to yourself if the situation arises, but it’s a comfort you feel nowhere else. Even though you are not okay when you are with that person, it feels a bit better, and I’ll take “a bit better” for all the money in the world. It’s this obsession that plagues you and eats away at your mind. Your need to be near that person; Your need to email that person; Your need to connect. You put it off as long as you can, until you can’t any longer. It’s similar to cutting in many ways. The thought is always in your mind, but you try like hell to push it away and not think about it until you can no longer breathe it’s so strong. It becomes the forefront thing in your mind and the anxiety that comes with it is awful. The euphoria that one slide of the blade across your skin, or one meeting with that person provides is indescribable. When you bandage the wound or leave that person, the reality of it sets in. It so rarely subsides until next time. The anxiety picks you up, engulfs you and leaves you in ruin, like a nasty tornado. This has become my identity and as hard as I try to not make it that, it's all I know. It's all I have ever felt. I have said this many times before, but I will continue to say this until I can find an answer. How do you work towards something you have never had? That's the million dollar question that I cannot come up with an answer to.I feel like I've always been running against the wind. Like no matter how hard I try to get better, there is this indescribable, invisible force holding me back. It's like a part in the song, "When I'm Gone" by 3 Doors Down that I connect with so well. "There's another world inside of me that you may never see, there secrets in this life that I can't hide. Well, somewhere in this darkness, there's a light that I can't find. Well, maybe it's too far away, maybe I'm just blind." I have never been able to find that light as hard as I try to. The flashlight is out, but won't turn on. I'm still searching for that "light at the end of the tunnel." Maybe there is no light. Maybe that's all a myth; all optical illusion of sorts. Maybe the point of life is to remain in that "searching" state.
