Wow it’s been awhile since I’ve been on here. Life’s been a bit on the crazy side lately!

I was able to switch my schedule around so it’s actually a bit less stressful, which is good, but it’s still rough. I’ve been having a harder time sleeping, because for some reason, i’ve been hallucinating alot more at night, so that really sucks. I got moved to a higher dose of medication, and my counselor also suggested that I start taking Melatonin with my other meds, because she thinks my body isn’t producing enough of it, and it might help me to sleep better. Well, even with all this extra medicine, I still have been having a horrible time sleeping. I just can’t sleep, and my anxiety is soooo bad. It doesn’t help that my current psychiatrist won’t be my psychiatrist for much longer. She didn’t tell me, but I found out from my counselor, that since she is a resident, she is going somewhere else in a little less than a month. I’ve been bounced around so much, that this is really a blow for me. I really liked her. And now I have to start all over again with someone else. Now I’m getting all nervous that something will happen with my counselor too. So I haven’t been wanting to talk to her much. I told her that, and she understands. I just really want someone to actually stick around…

Anyways.

I’ve been writing some lately. I used to write alot of poetry, and a few of my pieces got published (not in anything big, but in teen poetry books). But when all of my OCD problems and other issues started escalating, I lost my inspiration and stopped writing. I’ve started up again, and have written a few things.

The first one is pretty self-explanatory. It was raining out one night, and it was just a crappy night.
The second one, i wrote a couple of days ago, but finished it tonight. Just because I don’t really talk to anyone like I used to. Mainly because I’m learning that people come and go, and you never when one day they’re just not going to come back. And lately i’ve been feeling like I’ve slipped under life’s radar. Like, the world is so big, and I’m so small…it’s just kind of depressing, and feels kind of lonely sometimes.

"Sitting all alone
On my driveway, in the rain.
Tears are flooding me
As I try to drown the pain.
The air is getting colder;
The clouds close in on me.
I can feel my heart breaking,
Why does no one ever see?
How much it hurts to feel this way
To be this lonely all these years.
No one ever stepping in
To save me from my fears.
Old wounds are being opened up,
I try to stop the bleeding.
My life is flowing out of me,
I try to keep myself from screaming.
Everything just hurts so much
It seems pointless to even try.
Still it seems much easier
To fake a smile and lie.
My life is such a mess,
Things just never turn out right.
All hope is slowing running out
On this lonely, rainy night… "

"I’m sitting in the dark,
Another cold and empty day.
In a black and white world
My life slowly fades to gray.
My heart feels crushed and empty
Broken beyond repair.
Does it even matter?
Should I even really care?
I’m feeling so lost
How did I lose my way?
So many words in my head,
Still I had nothing to say.
I never told you
The way I felt inside.
You never knew
About all the tears that I’ve cried.
I tried to be strong
Even though I was scared
I put on a smile,
Never showed that I cared.
Now I’m so far gone,
And no one can see
How far I ran
To escape being me.
I fell through the cracks
Never made a sound.
And even though now I’m screaming
Still there’s no one around.
Am I lost here forever?
Will there ever be a day,
Or am I stuck in this place,
To never find my way?
So I close my eyes
And wait for the sun
Fading away,
Feeling forever gone…