Tonight. Oh God. I feel like I slowed down too long and it all caught up with me. Its like I’m choking myself. I want to cry so hard I can’t breathe. I want to disappear. I want to run away. I’m tired of my life. Its not fair. I ruined my life. I let you ruin my life. I should have listened. Why didn’t I listen? Because I thought I knew different, not better, but I thought I knew love. Why didn’t you love me enough? Mike why did you hit me? Why did I go back to you? Because I loved you and I thought I was good enough for you to change, but you never did, and still I held on. Why did I pick you? Because of you I will never feel worthy of love and admiration again. I will never feel good enough. I’m broken. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I disgust myself. Never again will I walk down a beach and be able to enjoy its beauty because my self-loathing will blur my vision. These tattoos. Nothing but scars. Scars of pain. I just wanted you to be proud of me. Because of you I have forsaken my family. I will never make my Dad proud. The one thing in my life I always wanted and never got enough of. I’m sick of hurting. I feel like my chest will just explode. I want someone to understand. I’m sick of hiding it all. Smiling for my family, trying to pretend to be strong b/c that’s what I’m supposed to be. Just barely getting by. What if I just gave up? What if I just ran away? Who would raise Ollie? Could I ever get myself back? Would it make me happy? Will I ever be happy again? I don’t feel like it. I feel like every man I meet will be flawed beyond acceptance. Of course I’m flawed. But I guess I’d rather be alone then feel like someone was settling when they chose me. Fuck that. I’m an amazing person. Or at least I once was, I had years and years ahead of me to make memories, but now, I’m stuck. Spinning in this life that feels so foreign to me. Guilt. Boundless guilt. For so many things. Get it off my chest. Let me breathe. Take it away, I’m tired of it. I want to just let go, but I can’t, I would feel guilty for not feeling guilty. Please, please, please. Someone please feel me. I want to let go. I want to let loose all of these demons I have. They’re killing me. Already I feel like a shadow of the person I once was, and even less capable of being the person I once could be. That dream is gone. Several dreams are gone. What’s left? I can’t do this. I can’t make it. Someone save me please because I can’t do it on my own. Its time to go back to the doctor. Admit I’m broken. Feel better for a little while. I just want to be fixed. Will I ever be fixed, or will it take so long that I just become jaded in the process. So many mistakes. So many blind mistakes. I wish I were a junkie. I wish I could just hang up my responsiblilities and do whatever made me happy. If even for just a moment. I’m sick of this life. I want another one, and I can’t make another one, so what am I supposed to do. I’m stuck.

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